Thursday, May 30, 2013

Baby Currently Being Born Wondering If He Has Time To Live This Particular Life Right Now

A Sacramento baby still in a birth canal at press time has reportedly been assessing whether he really has time to live the life he's being goaded into starting. Said the infant, "It's like when an article or video interests you, but it's just so damned long. And you wonder if it'll be worth it."

Friday, May 24, 2013

Movie On TIVO Has Been Sitting There Unwatched For Three Years Now

Sources say in 2010 a Chicago couple TIVO'd a movie they still haven't watched. "I'm ready to let go," said the husband. "But my wife isn't. She made plans yet again to supposedly watch it 'this weekend.' Time for an intervention."

Monday, May 13, 2013

90% Of Sheep Strongly Object To Term "Sheeple"

Said one herd's leader, "Why use our name to describe habitual conformists? We're free thinkers who unlike humans almost never poop in the same place twice."

Sunday, May 12, 2013

As Nostalgic Mother's Day Gift, Man Lets Mom Push Him Down Street In Stroller

—"It was just like he was a baby again!" said the mother of Kevin Oliver, 32. "I was so touched." Afterward Oliver smeared peanut butter and jelly on his face so Mom could clean it off with a spit-filled tissue.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

New Movie 'Zero Dark Birdy' Profiles Bin Laden's Parakeet

—Said an operative, "We believe the animal overheard a lot and can lead us to other terrorists." At press time, the bird was still demanding thirty virgin pigeons before agreeing to talk.