Thursday, April 25, 2013

Shakespeare's Birthday To Be Biggest News Today, Or Not To Be

—"That is the question," wrote the playwright. "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous violence, or to take arms against a sea of mental disturbance displayed by perpetrators and legislators alike. Or to simply shun all news to know peace for one stinkin' fortnight."

Bush Misses Today's Dedication Ceremony For The 'George Bush Library' After Being Unable To Find It

—"Wait, don't tell me," said the former president. "I know it's somewhere. What does a library look like?"

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Mid-April Best Time To Box Up Your Winter Cats, Bring Spring Ones Out Of Storage

Man Dies Of Drug Underdose

MAINE—"Tragic case," said the coroner of the autopsy on Portland resident Herman Littles. "We couldn't find any alcohol, nicotine, pharmaceuticals, or other drugs in his system. No addictive substances whatsoever, not even sugar." Littles was 112.

Sunburn Victim Sues The Well-Known Star For 93 Million

---FLORIDA---A woman who sustained multiple patches of unsightly, painful burns on Saturday has filed suit against the omnipresent yellow dwarf. "We're not just looking for punitive damages," said her lawyer. "We want that thing shut down once and for all so it can't hurt anybody else."

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Facebook To Offer Choice Of Newsfeeds: Slow Or Extra Slow

—"We're about to launch some new features and layouts," said Mark Zuckerberg. "But the most important change is how much slower your newsfeed will load. You're welcome."

The Facebook founder went on to describe the two newsfeed speeds to be offered in the coming weeks. "First, there's 'Slow.' Choose this if you're busy and want the fastest speed available. We have the computer power to sustain 14 accounts at that setting." 

If you're not one of those accounts, no problem – just choose Extra Slow. "Personally that's my favorite speed anyway," said a Facebook programmer. "It forces you to linger on the last newsfeed item even longer, giving you more time to reconsider your complete lack of interest in it."

Extra Slow also increases the chances you'll get sick of waiting and actually go do something with your life.

Facebook expects many users to demand even slower speeds to choose from, like Ultra Slow, Mega Slow, Excruciatingly Slow, and Dead Stop. "If you need one of those speeds," said Zuckerberg, "simply delete your account. Our new policy requires you to enter a valid credit card number in order to do that and avoid several hundred daily 'Please come back' e-mails. Everybody wins."