Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Congress Passes Tax On Oxygen

—"The free ride on breathing is over," said Senator Harry Reid. "We'll also need to tax swallowing, falling in love, and baby farts. Report these on your income tax forms, along with how many times you use gravity per day."

Reid continued. "How many words did you speak last year? Tax will be about twelve cents each." IRS codes for this are especially complicated. Multi-syllabic words will have an exponential tax debt related to the GPS coordinates of the birthplace of the speaker's favorite second cousin.

Opponents fear that nothing will remain free. "That's not true," said Reid. "We'll also tax nothing. If you have a lot of it, prepare to pay up."

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

One More Golden Globe Goes To Les Miserables For Best Musical About French Revolution

—"We almost gave it to 'Lincoln'," said the Hollywood Foreign Press. "But it had less singing and completely blew off the French thing." 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Researchers Say Many Shark Species May Attack But Most Dangerous Is Whichever One Swimming Toward You

—"We thought it depended on how you look at the stats," said the recovering project leader. "Turns out the field research cleared things right up."

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Monday, January 7, 2013

Blind Dog Gets Seeing-Eye Cat

—Smoochie, a blind Lab from upstate, has new independence after acquiring a Seeing-Eye cat, who carefully guides him towards squirrels to chase. The cat, however, is deaf, and therefore has his own Hearing-Ear rabbit. The rabbit helps the cat know if it is meowing at exactly the right level. The rabbit, sources say, can't walk, so he rides a Walking-Leg gerbil, who gets the rabbit to Hearing-Ear school on time. The gerbil is illiterate, and is served by a Reading-Mind bumblebee, who, in turn, would hire his own desperately needed Tasting-Tongue amoeba – but that's not a real thing. Don't be ridiculous. 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Mayan Calendar Error #2: Today It Calls For The Somewhat Premature "2013 Year In Review"

BREAKING NEWS: Not Much New In Thumb Tack Technology Lately

—After receiving an anonymous tip about an alleged "thumb tack breakthrough," the committee who looks into these things held a week-long emergency investigation, only to have to report a lack of any recent progress in the design of this particular office supply item. At a packed press conference, a choked-up metallurgist stated, "They still kind of just do the same thing, in the same way as they always have." Disillusioned news crews shouted really mean things and left in disgust.

Yikes, The Year Just Became A Teenager

—Sources advise that since it's now '13, we must all be careful of the new year's feisty adolescence. Hold on tighter to your wallet, your car keys, your electronics – you get the idea. Due to increases in mating hormones, the year will start grooming longer in the bathroom. Depending on certain variables, the year may even expect you to throw it a bar mitzvah. Prepare for a potential mix of rebellion, independence, laziness, sloppiness, and louder rock music. Proceed cautiously, but do enjoy.