—"We're about to launch some new features and layouts," said Mark Zuckerberg. "But the most important change is how much slower your newsfeed will load. You're welcome."
The Facebook founder went on to describe the two newsfeed speeds to be offered in the coming weeks. "First, there's 'Slow.' Choose this if you're busy and want the fastest speed available. We have the computer power to sustain 14 accounts at that setting."
If you're not one of those accounts, no problem – just choose Extra Slow. "Personally that's my favorite speed anyway," said a Facebook programmer. "It forces you to linger on the last newsfeed item even longer, giving you more time to reconsider your complete lack of interest in it."
Extra Slow also increases the chances you'll get sick of waiting and actually go do something with your life.
Facebook expects many users to demand even slower speeds to choose from, like Ultra Slow, Mega Slow, Excruciatingly Slow, and Dead Stop. "If you need one of those speeds," said Zuckerberg, "simply delete your account. Our new policy requires you to enter a valid credit card number in order to do that and avoid several hundred daily 'Please come back' e-mails. Everybody wins."