Monday, December 24, 2012

Birthday On Christmas Sucks, Reports Jesus


—"Every year, it's like, here's your combination birthday/Christmas present," said the Lord and Savior. "Also, heads up, all. I have enough gold cross pendants."

Monday, December 10, 2012

Latest Facebook Crash Confirmation Of Mayan-Predicted Apocalypse


—"Yup," say experts. "It's laid out right here by Nostradamus: 
'When ye shall have to rely
Solely on Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and MySpace
For that which is the pestilence called social media
Then shall ye know, the end is but eleven days away, is all I am sayeth-ing.'"

Your Car Being Broken Into As You Read This


—Like we just said, your car is being broken into as you read this, so we're wondering why you're still reading, instead of running to your car to save it. 

Friday, December 7, 2012

Couple Decides On Trial Divorce


—"We should've tried a trial separation first, but didn't think of it," said the wife. "If our trial divorce doesn't work, we'll get married again, to re-try a trial marriage. If that bombs, we'll go ahead and try that trial separation. If that fails, we'll try a trial friendship. These trials are trying. Dating - now that was tried-and-true. That's when we both really tried, you know?" The husband says he'll try anything that makes the wife stop talking about trying.