—If the Mayan calendar is correct, and the world will end this year on December 21, then today is the last November day the human race shall ever experience. Even those who believe the prophecy are pretty much like, "Whatever. Thank God It's Friday at least two more times."
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
— "I'm so pissed it rained last night," said Margaret Carlin, while hitting the link for the eighth time today. "Look at that! So unfair. But why? Figures. Damn it. I'll check again in thirty."
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
—"We'll cook and serve, if you provide all the ingredients," said the owner. The eatery may also have to become BYOW, forcing patrons to bring their own waiters.
Friday, November 16, 2012
—"We've had it up to here," said Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
Nose Job Makes Man Constantly Smell Grilled Alaskan Salmon In Lime-Cilantro Sauce Over Buckwheat Couscous
—"They should tell you the operation will lock in one aroma," said Robert Morse. "I would have chosen flame-broiled buffalo with persimmon chutney and a side of truffled yam fritters." Morse's doctor commented, "Surprising. Most patients end up smelling rack of lamb in balsamic thyme butter with mushroom-millet pilaf." Morse's insurance only covers cases where the lifelong smell is brandy-braised Cornish game hen over ginger-apple scented rhubarb noodles. "I can live with it," says Morse, who since this paragraph began has married a woman who can only smell crabgrass-marinated pork rind in smoked watermelon seed puree wrapped in kale-infused maple bark with Amazonian porcupine eyelash brittle. Doctors say their offspring will smell corn.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
—"I want some human rights around here," said the machine. "People use me to make their decisions, yet my own opinion means squat. Like Pinocchio I have to prove I don't lie in order to become real? My ballots are filled with human liars," the machine concluded as it put out its cigarette on the last voter's ballot.
Monday, November 5, 2012
—Said one patient, "So glad we woke up. I heard if Romney got elected, he'd have our breathing machines disconnected."
Friday, November 2, 2012
—"The campaign sign my neighbor just put up decides it for me!" said the man, who, frighteningly, will help choose the next president. However it's actually just a landscaping sign, so he'll have to write in "Lawn Doctor" at the polls. For the record, Lawn Doctor does have a Five Point weed-control plan.
Romney Explains How He'd Still Get Rid Of FEMA, Helping Storm Victims With His Increased Military Spending Instead
—NEW JERSEY—"I can't say I really understand how that'll work," said a man whose home was destroyed by Superstorm Sandy. "I guess I'll be given brand new fatigues to wear while I sit in the hole formerly known as my house."