Friday, November 30, 2012

Study Shows 90% Not Bothering To Make 'Last November 30 Before World Ends' Special


—If the Mayan calendar is correct, and the world will end this year on December 21, then today is the last November day the human race shall ever experience. Even those who believe the prophecy are pretty much like, "Whatever. Thank God It's Friday at least two more times."

Monday, November 19, 2012

Tough Economy Turns Restaurant Into A BYOF (Bring Your Own Food)


—"We'll cook and serve, if you provide all the ingredients," said the owner. The eatery may also have to become BYOW, forcing patrons to bring their own waiters.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Rest Of Country Petitions To Secede From Washington D.C.


—"We've had it up to here," said Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.

Nose Job Makes Man Constantly Smell Grilled Alaskan Salmon In Lime-Cilantro Sauce Over Buckwheat Couscous


—"They should tell you the operation will lock in one aroma," said Robert Morse. "I would have chosen flame-broiled buffalo with persimmon chutney and a side of truffled yam fritters." Morse's doctor commented, "Surprising. Most patients end up smelling rack of lamb in balsamic thyme butter with mushroom-millet pilaf." Morse's insurance only covers cases where the lifelong smell is brandy-braised Cornish game hen over ginger-apple scented rhubarb noodles. "I can live with it," says Morse, who since this paragraph began has married a woman who can only smell crabgrass-marinated pork rind in smoked watermelon seed puree wrapped in kale-infused maple bark with Amazonian porcupine eyelash brittle. Doctors say their offspring will smell corn.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Baby Not Happy With Mother's Cribside Manner


—Said Johnny Ort, six weeks old, "She just always seems impatient. Like she's got all these other babies to get to."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

BREAKING: God A Dog

—"I knew it," said the last departed person to meet God. "He doesn't judge…he wags. He's not just everywhere…he's in your lap. This truly is heaven."

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Facebook To Introduce 'Hate' Button On Posts Just For Tonight


Voting Machine Just Wants To Be A Real Boy



—"I want some human rights around here," said the machine. "People use me to make their decisions, yet my own opinion means squat. Like Pinocchio I have to prove I don't lie in order to become real? My ballots are filled with human liars," the machine concluded as it put out its cigarette on the last voter's ballot.

Electoral College Sucks Unless It Makes Your Candidate Win


Monday, November 5, 2012

Hospitals Report People In Comas Waking Up Just To Vote Against Romney


—Said one patient, "So glad we woke up. I heard if Romney got elected, he'd have our breathing machines disconnected."

Friday, November 2, 2012

Man Now Knows Who To Vote For Because Of Lawn Sign


—"The campaign sign my neighbor just put up decides it for me!" said the man, who, frighteningly, will help choose the next president. However it's actually just a landscaping sign, so he'll have to write in "Lawn Doctor" at the polls. For the record, Lawn Doctor does have a Five Point weed-control plan.

Romney Explains How He'd Still Get Rid Of FEMA, Helping Storm Victims With His Increased Military Spending Instead


—NEW JERSEY—"I can't say I really understand how that'll work," said a man whose home was destroyed by Superstorm Sandy. "I guess I'll be given brand new fatigues to wear while I sit in the hole formerly known as my house."