Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Area Man Knew His Party's Extension But Paid Dearly For Dialing It 'At Anytime'

—"I was immediately disconnected!" said Steve Quinn. "Dial it anytime, yeah right. When I did that I interrupted the woman on the outgoing message. Somehow she got me back for that even though it was only a recording."

Monday, September 24, 2012

Report: All Human Problems Traced To Using The Word "I"

—A new study confirms the word "I" is the root of all problems. Researchers are now studying whether it's just best not to ever speak at all.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Campaign Fact Checker Hasn't Found Actual Fact Coming From A Candidate Since 1972

—"Damn, I was really hoping to find one before retiring this year," said Niles Barsky. "The best I could find since the nineties was when a candidate stated that he had to go to the bathroom. That turned out to actually be true."

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Romney's New Campaign Slogan To Be 'I Don't See Poor People'

Claiming an almost paranormal understanding our country, Mitt Romney changed his catchphrase today. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Whole Foods Losing Market Share To Newly Opened 'Partial Foods'

—Offering great stuff like bread with crusts removed, wine concentrate, and the insides of Oreos, "Partial Foods" is reportedly killing that "healthy" place. It's about time.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Psycho Eagerly Gets Up At 6 AM Every Day

—Due to his zest for life, love of mornings, and lifelong deep sleep, Guy Morris always gets up at 6 a.m., happily well-rested. Sick freak.