Friday, August 31, 2012

That One French Bread Loaf Used In Every Grocery Bag On TV Getting Pretty Stale


—HOLLYWOOD—"The 'just-came-from-the-market' bag has to have that long bread loaf sticking out of it," said one director. "The one we've all been using is hard as a rock after all these decades. Nobody will pay for a new loaf in this damn town."

Monday, August 20, 2012

Couple Divorces Over Differing Kevin Costner Tolerance Levels


"We both can't stand him," said the wife. "But Bob can still stomach maybe four Costner movies per year. I can only handle one. I'm outta here."

Friday, August 17, 2012

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Waiter's Ability To Memorize Orders For Party Of 8 Involves Tape Recorder In Pocket


—"I just tape record them and look like a freakin' genius!" said Todd Laroux. "Right up until I show up with the food and don't know who gets what."

Friday, August 10, 2012

Ceiling Fan Has Seen A Lot


—"The stories I could tell," said the fan. "Everyone thinks I'm just up there, just blindly spinning my ass off. Um, HELLOOOOOO! I've seen and heard it all. The crying, the laughing, the nose-picking, the masturbating. Compared to ceiling fans, people are weird."


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Facebooker's Boring Photo Viewed Negative Three Times


—Facebook programmers explained. "This means that a friend, knowing just how boring the photo would be, sent suggestions to three mutual friends to NOT waste time viewing it. Once a photo is viewed -10 times, we just go ahead and delete it. You're welcome."