Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Man Who Offers To Take Photo Of Couple On Vacation Held Hostage For 45 Minutes

SEDONA—"The husband wanted a picture from every conceivable angle," said Jeff Mallory. "With flash, without, this pose, that pose. With a lizard. I missed my plane home."

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Local Dog To Adopt A Person

Smokey Shepherd of Milwaukee says he's ready to rescue a person from a nearby shelter. "Hopefully I can afford it," he said. "It costs so much to buy a human all the electronic gadgets it needs to survive." 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Heat Waves Cooking Tomatoes Into Pasta Sauce Right On Vine

"I love it," said Pearl Mahoney. "I throw spaghetti under the hot tomatoes, shake on some parmesan, and send everybody outside with forks." Mahoney is also fond of dumping cinnamon sticks around a crabapple tree and calling it apple pie.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

100% Who Read About Tom Cruise Divorce Wouldn't Want Their Own Personal Lives Publicized

—LOS ANGELES—"Of course not!" said every last reader when we asked if they'd like their own relationship failures exposed all over the media. When also asked why fame should remove someone's right to privacy, they said, "Because."

Friday, July 6, 2012

Woman Thrilled When Husband Confesses, 'I'm Gay'

—NEW YORK—After nine years of marriage, Dan Potter of Albany told his wife Joanne Willis last month that he was actually gay. She took the news surprisingly well. "Hallelujah!" exclaimed Willis to reporters. "I told him, go ahead and be with men, just give me the other perks. And now the house is finally decorated with class. He started dressing stylishly. We stopped having sex - score! He shows his feminine side…we go to chick flicks, we get our nails done together. If I had realized hooking up with a gay guy would be this good, I would have married one on purpose."

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Nation Itself Can't Get Health Care At Age Of 236

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A clause of Obamacare leaves the actual United States without health care, stating that countries over the age of 235 can legally be denied policies. "It really sucks," said the U.S. "I have such pains in my plains and all up in Maine."