Saturday, June 16, 2012

To Honor This Father's Day, Every One Of Nation's Sperm Will Try Extra Hard To Nail Himself Some Egg

Said a brave spokessperm, "Every last one of us will step up our efforts to make more men into fathers for Fathers Day, even though millions of us will die trying." The sperm ask that men help the cause by confining their ejaculations this weekend to "the target area."

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Area Teen Says He's, Like, Totally Over Girl He Was All Messed Up About, And Stuff

LOS ANGELES—"We used to be, like, you know. Now, it's just, whatever. I mean, I don't know, she's all, 'not anymore', but I'm all, 'Dude, like I care?!' It's so…give me a break. Did she really think…please! What? She could barely even hold, like, um, a conversation."

Friday, June 1, 2012

Southwest Airlines Extends 'Unassigned Seat' Policy To 'Unassigned Flight' Policy

TEXAS—Most know of Southwest Airlines' "Grab Any Available Seat" policy, but today an official for the company announced its "Grab Any Available Flight" policy. "We now only sell tickets for 'Some Flight'. Passengers just have to hope when they get to the airport that a flight will be available to their intended destination; if not, they simply pick a new one." Said Myra and John Bilson, "We showed up to go to Aruba, but the only flight available was to Boise. Oh well, off we went!"