Friday, April 27, 2012

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE TRACK:

Racing Thoughts Jockeying Neck-And-Neck As
" I Think I Left The Stove On "
And
" Could This Idiot Drive Any Slower "
Fall Behind
" 'It's Not You, It's Me,' My Ass "

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Man Finally Learns To Take All He Reads On Internet With Planet Of Salt


ATLANTA—"Sure, I started with a grain of salt like everyone else," said Carl Russell. "But I quickly needed a bowling ball. Next think you know, we're talking bigger than the Times Square New Years Eve ball. Which worked for a few years until I had to upgrade to moon-size. And now I'm at a full planet of salt, no lie. How much salt would it take to fill several universes? Almost there."

Monday, April 23, 2012

Cute Little Delaware To Go Ahead And Vote In Primary Like It Makes A Difference


DELAWARE—Aw, it's really adorable when you think about it – such a petite state holding a primary election, just to feel grown-up and all. Newark will host a play group to talk about the "results." So cute.

Friday, April 20, 2012


CANTON, OH—Dinner party hostess Claire Myers reports that the first guest to arrive, a gluten-free organic raw macrobiotic low-glycemic vegan, showed up with a stunning flower arrangement for the table. "It was such a thoughtful gift!" said Myers. "Even if later it became quite clear she only brought it so she would have something to eat."

Monday, April 16, 2012

Sand Castle Reflects On Hours Well Lived Before Arrival Of Four-Inch Tsunami


Area Man Wakened Again By Area Songbirds Not Really In Area Mood For It Anymore

“Five a.m. every day!” said the ex-sleeper. “Give me an area break.”

(Nine entries with dates posted on Facebook.)

3-11-12
'Worst Morning Ever' Reports Death Row Inmate Who Set Alarm For One Hour Before His Execution But Forgot About Daylight Savings
3-13-12
God Finally Gets Earth Cam Fixed, Damn It
3-16-12
Every Day Woman Insists Something She Can't Find Is Lost Forev...Oh Wait Here It Is
3-17-12
Kermit The Frog Says Somewhat Easier Being Green Today
3-19-12
Pinterest.Com Getting Many More Hits On Sister Site 'Plackofinterest'
www.pinterest.com
3-20-12
Spring's 70 Degree Temperatures Welcome Relief From Winter's 70 Degree Temperatures
4-6-12
In Solemn Speech, Former President George W. Bush Remembers The Crucificationing of Christ
4-8-12
Jesus: 'Staying Dead Would Have Been Much Less Hassle'
JERUSALEM—The Lord (and Savior) said today that God's gift of everlasting life has been cool and all, but also "kind of a long haul. How long is this resurrection thing good for, anybody know?"
4-10-12
Couple Never Goes To Sleep Angry Unless Husband More Wrong Than Usual
—DOVER—"Sometimes I've screwed up so badly that my wife, saint that she is, can't forgive me at first," said Paul Harper. "Thank goodness she loves me despite how wrong I always am. That woman is so wonderful – and so right! Every time. Even if I'm partially right, she's always even more right. It was in our wedding vows; I pledged to forever admit my inherent wrongness, while praising her instinctual rightness. Most people have towels that say 'His' and 'Hers'; ours say 'Right' and 'Wrong'. It's great to always know beyond a shadow of a doubt who's right and who's wrong. No guessing: She's right, I'm wrong." Harper finished by pointing out that since he's always wrong about everything, it follows that he's also wrong about this – which makes his wife the one that's always wrong. He plans not to forgive her before they go to sleep tonight.