Man Born February 29th Turns 28 – BUT HE'S REALLY ONLY 7, LOL!

—WEST CHESTER—"Oh I get it now," said Fran Mays, when friends joked he was only 7. "That must be 28 divided by 4. Gee, how clever. I never heard that before."

Criminal Sentenced To Year Of Stirring Oil Back Into Separated Peanut Butter

"I begged to be experimented on with painful drugs instead," said convicted felon Joe Primo. "Every day, 20 jars. After 10 minutes I'm covered in it and my right arm is killing me." Primo hopes for either early parole or a rotary drill. 

Study Finds Most People Remember Exactly Where They Were When They Found Out This Headline Wasn't Funny

'Red' Nominated For Best Carpet Color At Oscars Tonight

HOLLYWOOD—The color Red has been nominated for Best Carpet Color at the 84^th Annual Oscars tonight. Critics disapprove: "We think 'Black' should win, because that carpet hasn't been cleaned once since 1929."

GOP Candidates' Missing Chromosomes Found In Corner Crying

"We just had to escape from their genes," whimpered the DNA components to Dateline. "We're so sorry for what our absence has created. Please don't make us go back!" One lab says it can construct new frontrunners out of the fugitive chromies. Stay tuned.

New Church Offers Bible Cliff Notes, Tweeted Sermons, One-Hour Express Lent

"Everything's quick and easy with this religion," said a member. "I gave up food for Lent, but in 40 more minutes it's over."

Snopes Team Instantly Swoops In To Debunk Pickup Line

—SANTA FE— "I didn't know Snopes was so thorough," the liar commented. "The second I fed my line to this girl, they flew down in 'S' capes and banged a big gong." Snopes, Now With Superheroes™ offers on-site pickup line protection for just $4.99 per month.

In Quiet Desperation, Local Writer Promises Cash Will Come To Readers Who 'Like' This Headline

—PHILADELPHIA— In a blatant attempt to garner response, writer Polly Dove claims likers of this post will become wealthy by Friday. "It always works with those chain e-mails," Dove said. "Trust me, your fortune's coming. I never – how do you say – 'joke'."

Obama Humbly Suggests Only Half Of Nation Get Him Something For Presidents Day

"Sure it's my day, but I'm not looking for much. Keep gifts under $1,000."

Dog Fondly Remembers Treat From Ten Seconds Ago

"Those were good times," he mused.

Newspaper Runs Correction To Typo But 'Does Not Regret The Error'

"We actually enjoy misprinting an address or mistakenly calling someone a felon," said the editor. "Journalism gets boring when it's too 'facty'."

Email Subject Hasn't Changed In 8 Months, Still Says 'Re: Friday'

— Daily e-mailing begun last June by brothers Tod and Dan quickly changed topics from meeting Friday to Dan stealing Tod's girlfriend. Yet the subject line sticks. "His next e-mail pops up, I think we're meeting Friday," says Dan. "But he always just calls me an asshole again." Tod commiserates. "I see 're: Friday', I'm checking my calendar. But Dan always just says again what great sex he and Kim are having." Psychologists say the brothers should be upfront, using subject lines like "You're no longer my brother" and "Wow, she's limber!"

Hallmark Says Valentine's Day Sells Cards, That's Why They Also Invented Christmas

—BETHLEHEM—"Few know that to sell more cards, ancestor Abraham Hallmark in 1 B.C. was the one who orchestrated the birth of Jesus," said a source. "He set up the Virgin Mary with God. Simply sent them each a Valentine card from the other, and boom, 2000 plus years of card sales for both holidays going strong."

Unexpected Grammy Goes To iPod 'Skip Song' Button

LOS ANGELES—"With all the crap music out there," said Grammy voters, "you do also have to award the ability to make it stop."

Most Like-A-Holic Facebookers Not Practicing Safe 'Liking'

MIAMI—A new study finds that more and more Facebookers who indulge in addictions to the "Like," whether given or received, aren't using condoms at the time. This spreads viruses, concluded the very confused team at "Chuck's Social Network and Social Disease Laboratory." They also proved commenting causes pregnancy.

Area Toddler Thrilled His Big Birthday Gift Was Box Of Gravity

LONDON—"It was so thoughtful," said Niles Bartram. The youngster plans to use the gravity to keep all his other real toys from floating away.

'The Bachelor' Show: Exploitation Of Needy Women, Or Something Else Exactly The Same As The First Thing?

Club Owner Says 'No Words' Can Describe Full Extent Of Recent Karaoke Malfunction

— "No words came up," he said. "That was the malfunction."

Parents Would Be Proud Of Homicidal Drug-Dealing Arsonist Son, But He's Gay

"We were happy he felt free to follow his heart by selling drugs and setting fires," said the felon's father. "But liking dudes? That's where I draw the line."

Local Writer Thinks Up Hilarious Super Bowl Headline But Conveniently 'Can't Remember It'

—— "It was beyond hysterical," says humorist @Holly Love. "It combined sports savvy, the sociological impact of competitive games, current events, and puppies. It was the funniest joke anyone's ever written to date, anywhere, about anything, but it seems I forgot it." Love argues she should still receive national acclaim for her joke, despite not actually knowing what it is.

Woman Endures Unbearable 16-Hour Labor Story

CHARLESTON— When Pam Edwards asked her friend how her baby's birth went, it induced long hours of agonizing details. "It went on forever and was excruciating," said Edwards. "I felt I needed a drug to stop the pain." Edwards has decided never to ask anyone a question again.

GROUNDHOG DAY BREAKING NEWS: Punxsutawney Phil Swallowed By Python, Lump Still Casts Shadow