Thursday, January 26, 2012

Touch Screen Alleges It's Being Touched Inappropriately

An electronic touch screen, of an undisclosed device, has come forth with some pretty serious allegations against its user. "Instead of just hitting a link or icon for a second until it loads, he's always doing more of a suggestive stroke or caress. Get a freaking girlfriend."

Obama Mad Not Told Of 'States' Of Union Option Where You Just Name All Fifty States And You're Done

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

From Our 'One Syllable Away From Great News' Section:

Judge Says Obama Must Appear In Birthday Suit

Judge Says Obama Must Appear In Birther Suit

Damn Itch On Leg Won't Stay Scratched

Said the leg's owner, "Since the minute it hatched, my itch won't stay scratched. It twitches and twitches, just under my britches. It must be the work of a spell cast by witches." Sources believe the man may have bigger problems than dry skin.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

New Chess Sports Bar Goes Out Of Business 40 Minutes After Opening

"To be fair, one Russian guy did show up and wildly scream at the TV when that player finally made a move."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

95% Say Most Important Facebook Feature Is The Poke

—Users now praise the "poke" as Facebook's most life-changing, useful feature. Posting and reading posts were called stupid, while poking and being poked were seen as deeply meaningful and transforming. "I'll never forget my first poke," said one woman, weeping. "It was from my husband. That's when I knew he was finally serious about our relationship." Another man said instead of writing a thank you note to a company he interviewed with, he simply poked the CEO on Facebook – and boom, he got the job. (In the mailroom.)

Young and old alike agreed, "I base my self-worth on the number of pokes I get. When they stop coming, that's when I know I'm not doing enough, not contributing to society, and it's time to make changes." Some suggested that the next president of the United States should be determined by the number of pokes the candidates receive to their Facebook accounts. They say that poking is the new voting, the new measure of all that is necessary to end our conflict and restore our peace. Think about it, America. The Poke is The Way. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Celebrity Couple Still Married

"I realize we risk getting thrown out of Hollywood, but things are still going great."

Wiki Takes Down Site To Protest Censorship, Also Forgot To Pay Internet Provider
For 24 hours we are blacking out Wikipedia to raise awareness of proposed legislation that could fatally damage the free and open Internet. Learn more…

Monday, January 16, 2012

Martin Luther King's Ghost Says It Won't Rest Until EVERY Citizen Has Martin Luther King Day Off

Said the ghost, "For some to stay home while others work is a violation of civil rights." The spirit is also working to end discrimination against dead people. "It's unconstitutional that to get a decent job in this country, you have to be alive."

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Take Your Pick:

Tim Tebow Converts To Scientology After Saturday's Loss
Tom Brady Says He Owes It All To Wearing Gisele's Thong
God Says He Confused 'Tom' And 'Tim', It Could Happen To Anybody

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Twinkie Makers Vow: 'Money Troubles Will Not Make Us Compromise On Our Crappy Ingredients'

Despite filing for bankruptcy protection, America's largest wholesale baker says, "Consumers can expect the same abundance of cheap chemicals in Twinkies, Ho Hos, Ding Dongs, and the rest. We're not about to abandon our commitment to that now."

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Woman Successfully Keeps New Year's Resolution To 'Give Up Drinking Permanently Until January 11'

Experts say it's key to make your resolutions doable, so picking a date when you can start doing whatever the hell you want works best.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Nouns: Are They Really Necessary?


Linguists are proposing that language has become too dependent on nouns. "People will say and write things," said a researcher, "and if they had just left out the nouns, most problems could have been avoided." The same may be true of verbs and all other parts of speech as well.