Friday, December 30, 2011

Scholars Proclaim Birthday Of 'Holly's Headlines' Writer Most Important Event In History

"It all started when her mother named her 'Holly', so that when she grew up and started her 'Holly's Headlines' page, the name would make sense."

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Password Couple Names Twins 'pwertniok37746' And '••••••••••••••'

—An internet password and her husband welcomed fraternal twins this morning at a secret time. "These names are great, though we'll be sure to change them every six months," said the couple. The two also own a dog, "User Name."

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Other Harbors Annoyed You Have To Get Attacked To Have Your Own Day Around Here

Woman Bummed She Met Great Guy Looking Better Than She'll Ever Look Again

—CHICAGO—At an event last night, Kim Griffith met a great guy who asked her out, but is now panicked. "My makeup and hair were professionally done. Fantastic dress. The lighting was perfect. I was super rested for once. Let's face it, I looked way hotter than I actually am." The guy already figured that out and is planning to cancel.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Renovated Dog Heaven Now Built Entirely Of Those Peanut Butter Cheese Crackers

—"The walls, beds, squirrels, everything," said the janitor, who is made of those peanut butter cheese crackers. Even the leader is made of those peanut butter cheese crackers. "Some call him 'God', some 'Dog'," said a resident. "But we all call him delicious!" 

"You should see the 'All-You-Can-Lick' peanut butter cheese cracker mountain," said one mutt. "Its trees are made of those peanut butter cheese crackers, and it has peanut butter cheese creeks. Even when the birds there do their 'business', it's made of those peanut butter cheese crackers!"

"When I first got there," said Max, a recent entrant, "I thought, 'come on – there has to be something here NOT made of those peanut butter cheese crackers. I mean, the AIR isn't made out of those peanut butter cheese crackers.' Then I realized, hey wait, the air IS made out of those peanut butter cheese crackers! In Dog Heaven, you breathe those peanut butter cheese crackers instead of oxygen." 

God, or Dog, says She's been renovating for years. "It just didn't seem right for dogs to arrive here, only to have to live among things that weren't made of those peanut butter cheese crackers. Interestingly, we've had some human applicants try to check in, saying a peanut butter cheese crackers heaven is also the only kind they're interested in."

Dogs still on earth have caught wind of the new peanut butter cheese crackers Dog Heaven from texts the departed dogs have been sending. "We really have no fear of crossing over now," said every dog still living. "We've even cut out those peanut butter cheese crackers for now. It'll make it that much more awesome when we get up there."

Monday, December 5, 2011

In Desperation To Get Bills Passed Obama Builds Own Claymation Congress

WASHINGTON—Aides say Obama has been spending sixteen hours a day in the White House basement moving his clay figures around. "He's gotten them to pass one bill already," said a source. "The human Congress didn't even notice." 

Friday, December 2, 2011

Phonebook Now Available On Worldwide 'Web' Of Sorts

WORLD—Some sort of global computer network thing put in place yesterday is rumored to contain actual contact information. "All I do is type in the name, and up comes the number," said a user. Sources do warn, however, that people should always double check this electronic data against their phonebook.