Scholars Proclaim Birthday Of 'Holly's Headlines' Writer Most Important Event In History

"It all started when her mother named her 'Holly', so that when she grew up and started her 'Holly's Headlines' page, the name would make sense."

Sony Finally Invents Remote That Works Right Through Dog Blocking TV

Unblessed Sneezer Sucked Immediately Into Hell

"Gosh, I didn't know it was that important."

Password Couple Names Twins 'pwertniok37746' And '••••••••••••••'

—An internet password and her husband welcomed fraternal twins this morning at a secret time. "These names are great, though we'll be sure to change them every six months," said the couple. The two also own a dog, "User Name."

Man Finally Gets His Christmas Lights Up Today

Rudolph Mysteriously Vanishes After Santa Refuses To Give All Cookies To New 'Venison Mafia'

Most Alcoholics Say Addiction Began While Sitting Through Animated Christmas Card

REPORT: Preventing Winter's Arrival Tonight As Simple As Picking Up Spray Can Of 'Solstice-Off'

"Taking control of the seasons isn't as hard as we think."

'No, Really, Just Have Fun Back There While I Haul This Thing All By Myself,' Says Horse From One-Horse Open Sleigh

"Same thing. Every year."

Dog Suffers From 'Fetch' Ennui

—"After the 1500th throw, I was like, is this really what I want to do with my life?"

Devil Mad He Has To Prepare Suite For Kim Jong Il Right Before Christmas

"Like I didn't have enough to do, with spreading flu for the holidays."

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-202_162-57344961/kim-jong-il-n-korean-dictator-dies-at-69/

Passenger Jet Forced To Land On Water By Pilot Who Just Wanted To See If He Could Do It

Iraq War Ends; Somehow, George Bush Finds Way To Take Credit

"If I hadn't *started* the war, it couldn't have ended. So, you're welcome."

REPORT: Beat Holiday Stress With A Nap, Just Make It No More Than Six Hours

"Tell you what, that noon to 6 pm'er sure did the trick for me!"

Frontal Lobes Really Building Up On Windshield During Brainstorm

"New ideas are great but how am I supposed to drive home in this?"

Cats Affirm: 'No New Puppies During Christmas Chaos, Or Ever'

Man Composing Suicide Text On iPhone Decides It's Just Easier To Live

Elderly Man In Market For Hot New Curved Screen TV

'Take Your Car To Work' Day Very Popular

Said one commuter, "It's a great experience for my car, and it's win-win because it's how I show up for work and get paid."

Other Harbors Annoyed You Have To Get Attacked To Have Your Own Day Around Here

Woman Bummed She Met Great Guy Looking Better Than She'll Ever Look Again

—CHICAGO—At an event last night, Kim Griffith met a great guy who asked her out, but is now panicked. "My makeup and hair were professionally done. Fantastic dress. The lighting was perfect. I was super rested for once. Let's face it, I looked way hotter than I actually am." The guy already figured that out and is planning to cancel.

Renovated Dog Heaven Now Built Entirely Of Those Peanut Butter Cheese Crackers

—"The walls, beds, squirrels, everything," said the janitor, who is made of those peanut butter cheese crackers. Even the leader is made of those peanut butter cheese crackers. "Some call him 'God', some 'Dog'," said a resident. "But we all call him delicious!" 

"You should see the 'All-You-Can-Lick' peanut butter cheese cracker mountain," said one mutt. "Its trees are made of those peanut butter cheese crackers, and it has peanut butter cheese creeks. Even when the birds there do their 'business', it's made of those peanut butter cheese crackers!"

"When I first got there," said Max, a recent entrant, "I thought, 'come on – there has to be something here NOT made of those peanut butter cheese crackers. I mean, the AIR isn't made out of those peanut butter cheese crackers.' Then I realized, hey wait, the air IS made out of those peanut butter cheese crackers! In Dog Heaven, you breathe those peanut butter cheese crackers instead of oxygen." 

God, or Dog, says She's been renovating for years. "It just didn't seem right for dogs to arrive here, only to have to live among things that weren't made of those peanut butter cheese crackers. Interestingly, we've had some human applicants try to check in, saying a peanut butter cheese crackers heaven is also the only kind they're interested in."

Dogs still on earth have caught wind of the new peanut butter cheese crackers Dog Heaven from texts the departed dogs have been sending. "We really have no fear of crossing over now," said every dog still living. "We've even cut out those peanut butter cheese crackers for now. It'll make it that much more awesome when we get up there."

In Desperation To Get Bills Passed Obama Builds Own Claymation Congress

WASHINGTON—Aides say Obama has been spending sixteen hours a day in the White House basement moving his clay figures around. "He's gotten them to pass one bill already," said a source. "The human Congress didn't even notice." 

Phonebook Now Available On Worldwide 'Web' Of Sorts

WORLD—Some sort of global computer network thing put in place yesterday is rumored to contain actual contact information. "All I do is type in the name, and up comes the number," said a user. Sources do warn, however, that people should always double check this electronic data against their phonebook.