Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Devil Now Requires You 'Opt Out' To Not Go To Hell

"No more Mister Nice Guy," said The Devil. "The default afterlife is now this – you end up in hell unless you log in to my web site and reset your preferences." Sources say it's nearly impossible to get into your account, though. "I'll let my web guy know," The Devil said sarcastically.

Scientists Still Trying To Cure Pesky Will To Live

SEATTLE—Researchers say the will to live is one tough disease. "Staying alive can really rock compared to being dead," said scientist Dan Hughes. "What we can't explain is why people are so driven to stick around for minimal fun when they have to pay for it with so much work and pain." 

Hughes performed an experiment where he put a few humans in a cage and blasted Justin Bieber nonstop. Once a day, he would bring around a morsel of food. Yet despite their wretched discomfort, the humans all scrambled over each other like animals to get to the food so they could stay alive. "It was pretty funny to watch," said Hughes. 

He said the will to live is insidiously passed on from one generation to the next. "Parents are always trying to keep their kids alive. They'll tell them to look both ways before crossing the street. They'll teach them about eating well, and not becoming super famous and flying in a small plane. Kids ignore these suggestions at first, but at some point, they decide to live long enough to take care of their elderly parents, who are still around why? That's right. Their damned will to live."

A drug is currently being developed to hopefully counteract the will to live. "It won't make people start killing themselves or anything, but it'll take the edge off all the hope and optimism that gets in the way of being completely apathetic about existing," said Hughes. "Insurance companies have already said they're more than happy to pay for it."

Sunday, November 27, 2011

It's Time I Told My Son Santa's Not Real, Says Vampire

CAMDEN – "I'm sure he'll see how preposterous it is," said the vampire. "I mean, elves? Flying reindeer? I just turned into a bat for the day but tonight, I'm telling him."

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Turkeys: 'T-Day' Way More Blasphemous Than 'Xmas'

SPRINGFIELD – America's turkeys are crying out against the use of 'T-Day'. "I'm not a 'T', I'm a turkey," said a spokesfowl. "And 'T-Day' is worse than 'Xmas' because Christ only died once, and he didn't even stay dead. We turkeys die for you people every day."

Bird Adjusts Mating Call To Mean He Just Wants To Fool Around

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

ONE-DISH THANKSGIVING: Turkey Stuffed With Pie Fillings, Green Beans, Etc. Simplifies Cooking

Go ahead and stuff your Thanksgiving turkey – but it's time to think outside the bird. Professional cooks now advise you just stuff all meal ingredients into the turkey, roast, and serve. Cooking times may vary.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Steve Jobs Finally Finishes Switching God's Offices Over To Mac

HEAVEN – "I was really apprehensive since I've been a PC'er all my life," said God. "But Steve made it easy. I think I might just cancel my Saturday morning smiting of Apple."

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

There Aren't Enough Pregnant Women To Account For All These People All Over The Place

Researchers aren't sure where all the people you see walking around are coming from, but they say there are way fewer pregnant women than you would need to create them. Explanations involve 1) aliens, 2) more women pushing out quindecuplets (15 babies) than you think, and 3) mirrors.

Ignored Dog Suspects Owner Seeing Another Dog On The Side

Monday, November 14, 2011

Teen's First Shower Masturbation Goes Pretty Darned Well

"It reminded me so much of what it's like in other places," said the teenager. "Only it was in the shower."

Friday, November 11, 2011

Woman Turns Into Fairy At 11:11:11 On 11-11-11 And Right Back Again So It's Hard To Prove

PHOENIX – Melissa Marsh reports turning into a fairy right as the clock struck 11:11:11 today. "It only lasted a split second, so I couldn't rip off my wings to bring back as evidence," said Marsh. After hearing her story, many others said the same thing happened to them, totally.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

'Two And A Half Men' Runs Shocking Scene Where Ashton Kutcher Leaves Shirt On

LOS ANGELES – In a scandalous "Two and a Half Men" segment, co-star Ashton Kutcher remained fully clothed for more than four straight minutes. "It was disgusting," said an appalled viewer. "Dude skin is the only thing that even makes the show worth watching anymore."

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

FDA: All Food Just Became Infected With Fatal Virus But It's Nothing To Worry About

WASHINGTON – Though it will now be impossible to eat anything at all without contracting a deadly disease the next day, the FDA is encouraging the public to remain calm and continue with their regular meals. "There's no reason to panic," said an official. "We should have the antidote by spring."

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Study: Blindfolded Voters Consistently Elect Better Candidates

Study results just released show that when voters cannot actually see who they're voting for, better politicians are elected to office. Several towns are blindfolding all voters today before sending them into the booths. "I liked it," said one voter. "It made my choices so much easier."

Monday, November 7, 2011

$10,000 Worth Of CBS Office Supplies Found Under Andy Rooney's Eyebrows

NEW YORK – During burial preparations, Rooney's mortician reportedly found staplers, pens, paper, and much more under Rooney's legendary eyebrows. It's not clear whether the items were stolen by Rooney or just fell behind there over the years.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Cleveland Airport Closed Due To Lack Of Interest

CLEVELAND - In an earlier statement, a spokesperson said, "There's zillions of flights out of here but zero incoming. It's not enough to economically sustain the place." He went on to say that he and his buddies planned to answer Cleveland residents' high demand by turning the airport into a bar slash depression clinic.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

In Remake of Shakespeare Classic, Hamlet Asks 'To Take Prozac Or Zoloft?'

NEW YORK – In answer to complaints that Shakespeare needs a little modernizing, a rewrite of Hamlet's soliloquy reveals how the tortured prince did finally decide, in fact, "To Be" – as long as he can get a little help from antidepressants. Which one to take is now his legendary dilemma.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Obama Keeps Forgetting Why He Walked Into Oval Office

WASHINGTON – Since turning 50, President Obama constantly walks into his office and forgets why he went in there. The janitor reported, "He'll stop, turn and ask me, 'Wait, don't tell. It had to do with war? Health care? The economy? Education, that's it!'" The janitor said he's never right.