Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
SPRINGFIELD – America's turkeys are crying out against the use of 'T-Day'. "I'm not a 'T', I'm a turkey," said a spokesfowl. "And 'T-Day' is worse than 'Xmas' because Christ only died once, and he didn't even stay dead. We turkeys die for you people every day."
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
HEAVEN – "I was really apprehensive since I've been a PC'er all my life," said God. "But Steve made it easy. I think I might just cancel my Saturday morning smiting of Apple."
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Researchers aren't sure where all the people you see walking around are coming from, but they say there are way fewer pregnant women than you would need to create them. Explanations involve 1) aliens, 2) more women pushing out quindecuplets (15 babies) than you think, and 3) mirrors.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
PHOENIX – Melissa Marsh reports turning into a fairy right as the clock struck 11:11:11 today. "It only lasted a split second, so I couldn't rip off my wings to bring back as evidence," said Marsh. After hearing her story, many others said the same thing happened to them, totally.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
LOS ANGELES – In a scandalous "Two and a Half Men" segment, co-star Ashton Kutcher remained fully clothed for more than four straight minutes. "It was disgusting," said an appalled viewer. "Dude skin is the only thing that even makes the show worth watching anymore."
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
WASHINGTON – Though it will now be impossible to eat anything at all without contracting a deadly disease the next day, the FDA is encouraging the public to remain calm and continue with their regular meals. "There's no reason to panic," said an official. "We should have the antidote by spring."
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Study results just released show that when voters cannot actually see who they're voting for, better politicians are elected to office. Several towns are blindfolding all voters today before sending them into the booths. "I liked it," said one voter. "It made my choices so much easier."
Monday, November 7, 2011
NEW YORK – During burial preparations, Rooney's mortician reportedly found staplers, pens, paper, and much more under Rooney's legendary eyebrows. It's not clear whether the items were stolen by Rooney or just fell behind there over the years.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
NEW YORK – In answer to complaints that Shakespeare needs a little modernizing, a rewrite of Hamlet's soliloquy reveals how the tortured prince did finally decide, in fact, "To Be" – as long as he can get a little help from antidepressants. Which one to take is now his legendary dilemma.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
WASHINGTON – Since turning 50, President Obama constantly walks into his office and forgets why he went in there. The janitor reported, "He'll stop, turn and ask me, 'Wait, don't tell. It had to do with war? Health care? The economy? Education, that's it!'" The janitor said he's never right.