HERSHEY, PA – In a press conference today, a Hershey's Kiss claimed that his M&M neighbor "always has this wall up. I don't trust him. What is this guy hiding? Reporters swarmed around the M&M, who responded, "Me?! What about your foil wrapper? At least my coating is edible!"
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
ERIE, PA – Lynn Dean speaks for 99% of America. "I bought it, and immediately hid it. Unfortunately, I remembered where. I even bought stuff I didn't like, but apparently if it's all I have, I'll eat sugar in any form." Dean was last seen licking the empty plastic bag the candy came in.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Ecto Jones, a very scary ghost, is really behind this year in preparing for the big night. "It just sort of snuck up on me, like a spook or something," Jones said. "I don't know who I'm going to haunt yet, or even what key I'm going to 'Boo' in. I clearly have to get my invisible ass in gear."
Thursday, October 27, 2011
DETROIT – Serial killer Marshall Bradley, after running out of room in his own basement, called a self-storage facility today to ask how many selves he could store in a unit there. "Twelve alive or fifteen dead," the manager told him. Bradley plans to store the manager in there, too.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
FLORIDA – Ted Lamb, 87, welcomes reincarnation as the end of this current life – his very first – draws near. "I'll be a famous hunky British movie star next time," said Lamb, a vascular surgeon. "But this life has been awesome. Great family, great friends. I'll never forget it."
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
TRIPOLI – With Gaddafi dead, Libyans are excited for the opportunity to engage in party politics just like the U.S. "Those Americans sure look like they're having a good time with all the mudslinging and incompetence," said one man. "We can't wait."
NEW YORK – While going on about her previous night's sex acts, a hot babe eating at a posh Manhattan eatery was approached by the owner. "The other customers are complaining it's hard to hear you," he told her. "I'm afraid you'll need to speak louder or get out."
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
A federal agent who hadn't eaten meat in 22 years was captured by a group attempting to get him to confess national secrets by feeding him beef. However, the agent refused rescue to prove he'll suffer longer "to protect our nation," he said while ravenously gnawing on a nice London broil.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
A Pennsylvanian maple tree reports being "really happy with how my color turned out this time. At the salon, they did a great job varying the chlorophyll reduction for some bright leaf highlights. Gotta find a dance club tonight to show these puppies off!"
Saturday, October 15, 2011
In a first-time event today, a smartphone or computer or printer or whatever did something annoying. No word yet on whether it froze, was slow, displayed errors, lost data, wouldn't connect, wouldn't download, wouldn't upload, acted weird, or what. Swear words were said. I know, we can't believe it either.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Paul Barnes of Brooklyn is considering changing his safe word. After a rigorous threesome yesterday, Barnes commented, "Those two dopes didn't understand when I said 'Harder!' that I wanted them to stop. Maybe I'll change my safe word to 'Faster!'"
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Dog whisperers far and wide have been traveling to meet Teddy, a six-year-old mutt who obeys commands more accurately than any animal ever trained before or since. Additional commands Teddy always follows without fail are "Be," "Eat That Hot Dog," "Shed," and "Don't Speak Spanish."
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Officer Dave Krupke commented, "When you fly through a stop sign going three miles per hour, with complete visibility in all directions, in broad daylight, on a low-traffic road you know like the back of your hand, where the speed limit's 25 mph, where no accident has ever been recorded – you have to admit, it's a death trap."
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
ALASKA – In a hurried statement, a salmon being dined upon said, "I can't blame him [the bear]. I'd be eating me too if I could."
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Joe and Paula Weiss cried at their obstetrician's words: "Your baby will grow up and pass on stupid information, believing everything and checking the validity of nothing. Keep him away from computers. Also, he inherited this condition from you, so stop forwarding crap yourselves."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Sources are preparing to reveal the shocking, groundbreaking information which recently surfaced about ballpoint pen refills. This information is so amazing, and so mind-blowing, that it's actually hard to believe. That's how unbelievable this information – about ball point pen refills, that is – is.
Monday, October 3, 2011
When Jeff Hughes took his bulldog mix to be neutered, his vet said the dog didn't have any balls. Hughes replied, "I know. He's afraid of everything!" The vet explained that the dog didn't have any actual balls, therefore he had already been neutered. Hughes left still not really getting it.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Old concerns, like "Does my insurance cover it?" and "Do I wish my mouth wasn't a toxic waste dump?" are out. Experts now agree all that matters is whether you'll find the procedure fun. The American Dental Association was going to offer a rebuttal, but they kind of agreed a little bit.