Monday, October 31, 2011

Hershey's Kiss Alleges M&M Hiding Something Under Candy Shell

HERSHEY, PA – In a press conference today, a Hershey's Kiss claimed that his M&M neighbor "always has this wall up. I don't trust him. What is this guy hiding? Reporters swarmed around the M&M, who responded, "Me?! What about your foil wrapper? At least my coating is edible!"

Sunday, October 30, 2011

All Candy Bought For Trick-Or-Treaters Already Eaten

ERIE, PA – Lynn Dean speaks for 99% of America. "I bought it, and immediately hid it. Unfortunately, I remembered where. I even bought stuff I didn't like, but apparently if it's all I have, I'll eat sugar in any form." Dean was last seen licking the empty plastic bag the candy came in.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Area Ghost Not Even Close To Being Ready For Halloween

Ecto Jones, a very scary ghost, is really behind this year in preparing for the big night. "It just sort of snuck up on me, like a spook or something," Jones said. "I don't know who I'm going to haunt yet, or even what key I'm going to 'Boo' in. I clearly have to get my invisible ass in gear."

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Man Asks How Many Selves He Can Store In Self Storage Facility

DETROIT – Serial killer Marshall Bradley, after running out of room in his own basement, called a self-storage facility today to ask how many selves he could store in a unit there. "Twelve alive or fifteen dead," the manager told him. Bradley plans to store the manager in there, too.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dying Man Never Going To Forget First Life

FLORIDA – Ted Lamb, 87, welcomes reincarnation as the end of this current life – his very first – draws near. "I'll be a famous hunky British movie star next time," said Lamb, a vascular surgeon. "But this life has been awesome. Great family, great friends. I'll never forget it."

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Florida Thinking Of Phasing Out Whole Palm Tree Motif

ORLANDO - After taking a tour of worldwide climates and landscapes, the state of Florida yesterday said it was a little bored with its same old tropical, beachy thing. "Most likely we'll rip everything out and redecorate with snow and stuff," the state said.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Dictator-Free Libya Looks Forward To The Nauseating Circus Of Partisan Politics

TRIPOLI – With Gaddafi dead, Libyans are excited for the opportunity to engage in party politics just like the U.S. "Those Americans sure look like they're having a good time with all the mudslinging and incompetence," said one man. "We can't wait."

Woman At Restaurant Gabbing About Sex Annoys Diners By Talking Way Too Softly

NEW YORK – While going on about her previous night's sex acts, a hot babe eating at a posh Manhattan eatery was approached by the owner. "The other customers are complaining it's hard to hear you," he told her. "I'm afraid you'll need to speak louder or get out."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Vegan Hostage Forced To Live On Burgers Tells Rescuers 'That's OK, I'm Good'

A federal agent who hadn't eaten meat in 22 years was captured by a group attempting to get him to confess national secrets by feeding him beef. However, the agent refused rescue to prove he'll suffer longer "to protect our nation," he said while ravenously gnawing on a nice London broil.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

Tree All Dolled Up In Fall Colors Cannot Stop Looking At Self In Pond

A Pennsylvanian maple tree reports being "really happy with how my color turned out this time. At the salon, they did a great job varying the chlorophyll reduction for some bright leaf highlights. Gotta find a dance club tonight to show these puppies off!"

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Electronic Device Does Something Unsatisfactory

In a first-time event today, a smartphone or computer or printer or whatever did something annoying. No word yet on whether it froze, was slow, displayed errors, lost data, wouldn't connect, wouldn't download, wouldn't upload, acted weird, or what. Swear words were said. I know, we can't believe it either.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Area Man's Safe Word Is 'HARDER!'

Paul Barnes of Brooklyn is considering changing his safe word. After a rigorous threesome yesterday, Barnes commented, "Those two dopes didn't understand when I said 'Harder!' that I wanted them to stop. Maybe I'll change my safe word to 'Faster!'"

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Local Dog Excels At Command 'Sit If You Want To'

Dog whisperers far and wide have been traveling to meet Teddy, a six-year-old mutt who obeys commands more accurately than any animal ever trained before or since. Additional commands Teddy always follows without fail are "Be," "Eat That Hot Dog," "Shed," and "Don't Speak Spanish."

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Cops Cracking Down On Rolling Stops Since They Kill 0% More People Than Complete Stops

Officer Dave Krupke commented, "When you fly through a stop sign going three miles per hour, with complete visibility in all directions, in broad daylight, on a low-traffic road you know like the back of your hand, where the speed limit's 25 mph, where no accident has ever been recorded – you have to admit, it's a death trap."

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Salmon In Bear's Jaw: 'My Bad For Being Just So Darned Delicious'

ALASKA – In a hurried statement, a salmon being dined upon said, "I can't blame him [the bear]. I'd be eating me too if I could."

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Helpful Mattress Salesman Asks Customer What Kind Of Things Bed Will Be Used For

KKK Realizes What It Stands For Might Be Kind Of Racist

"This guy came to one of our meetings and explained the whole thing," said a member. "If only someone had pointed this out before." While giving up the idea of white supremacy wasn't hard, the group reportedly is really sad about not wearing the weird hats.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Couple Devastated To Learn Fetus Has 'Forwarding Crap Without Checking If It's A Hoax' Syndrome

Joe and Paula Weiss cried at their obstetrician's words: "Your baby will grow up and pass on stupid information, believing everything and checking the validity of nothing. Keep him away from computers. Also, he inherited this condition from you, so stop forwarding crap yourselves."

Sports-Challenged Woman Takes Baby Step Of First Figuring Out Why It's Called Baseball

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Everything You've Ever Believed About Ball Point Pen Refills Is Wrong

Sources are preparing to reveal the shocking, groundbreaking information which recently surfaced about ballpoint pen refills. This information is so amazing, and so mind-blowing, that it's actually hard to believe. That's how unbelievable this information – about ball point pen refills, that is – is.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Dog Doesn't Have The Balls To Get Neutered

When Jeff Hughes took his bulldog mix to be neutered, his vet said the dog didn't have any balls. Hughes replied, "I know. He's afraid of everything!" The vet explained that the dog didn't have any actual balls, therefore he had already been neutered. Hughes left still not really getting it.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Should You Remove Mercury Fillings: Experts Now Say #1 Consideration Is, Will It Be Fun?

Old concerns, like "Does my insurance cover it?" and "Do I wish my mouth wasn't a toxic waste dump?" are out. Experts now agree all that matters is whether you'll find the procedure fun. The American Dental Association was going to offer a rebuttal, but they kind of agreed a little bit.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Forgot To Post That You're Having An Affair? Facebook "Tracker" Feature Now Does It For You

Pete Smith says, "Thumbs up! I started cheating on my wife, but it totally slipped my mind to post it on FB. How convenient to find it already done for me. I was hoping to get divorced anyway. It's just one more example of Facebook fucking up lives for the better."