Wednesday, August 31, 2011

All Two Thousand Miles Of Appalachian Trail To Be Moved Two Feet To The Left

APPALACHIA – After forty feet of the A.T. was found to be too close to a precipice, rangers began the huge task of moving the entire Maine-to-Georgia trail over a smidge. When asked why they couldn't just reroute the problematic part, they responded, "You do the math." No one knows what this means.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Hurricane Postponed Due To Rain

EAST COAST – Though Hurricane Irene was expected to hit the eastern seaboard this weekend, it had to be postponed because of a super huge load of rain and wind that came through for some reason. Stay tuned for rescheduling details.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Drugstores To Replace Unhealthy Candy At Register With 'Prescription Drug Bites'

NEW YORK – No more sugary candy bars; drugstores have come up with a much better treat. "We now give away bite-sized squares laced with prescription drugs to anyone at all," reported a store owner. "Kids are loving it. Half the fun is guessing what drug you ate from the resulting side effects."

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

NEWSPOLL: Should Scientists Focus On Preventing Earthquakes, Hurricanes, Or The Death Of The Sun (Sometime Next Tuesday)?

BOSTON – Debate continues over which of three calamites deserves the most attention in order to save the greatest number of lives. Sources say many have been killed by earthquakes and hurricanes, but nobody has ever died because the sun just completely disappeared, like it will next week. Obama is still unable to steer any funding away from other priorities.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hours After U.S. Earthquake, Pluto Vies For Attention With A 0.2 'Plutoquake'

MILKY WAY – Jealous of Earth being in the news for quaking, Pluto shook as hard as it could, but nobody noticed. This comes at a particularly hard time for Pluto, as August 24 is the five year anniversary of the demoralizing announcement of its non-planet status. Earth was like, whatever.

Monday, August 22, 2011

New Bollywood Movie To Feature Intense, High-Speed Cow Chases

DELHI – "We looked it up in the Bhagavad-Gita," said Avish Chopra, film director and devout Hindu. "It said right on page 12 that the sacred treatment of cows includes making them stampede for action scenes." Chopra was later trampled to death on the set.

Area Cicada Incensed Every Time He Starts Singing, Entire Brood Has To Join In

RURAL HOLLOW – A cicada who refused to be identified says his dream is to sing solos, but he’s constantly upstaged by a huge crew making noise at the same time. “I really should have been born a songbird,” lamented the insect of the order Hemiptera, suborder Auchenorrhyncha in the superfamily Cicadoidea. Whoops, just identified him.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Customer Annoyed Her 'Stupid Bank Web Site' Requires Exact Password To Withdraw Funds

MAINE – "I hate remembering passwords!" said the account holder defiantly. "Too many rules in this world. Red lights, can't shoplift, now this."

Friday, August 19, 2011

The 'Celebrate Anything Society' To Party Down Tonight Because 17 Years Ago, It Was 1994

BALTIMORE – All four members of the organization are juiced to begin drinking and dancing over the fact that 2011-17 = 1994. "Tomorrow night," said the society's president, "we'll be whooping it up because 'Bob' is short for 'Robert.' Sweet!"

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Medical Scanners Now Instantly Post Repulsive Images Right To Facebook

TAMPA – A hospital spokesperson commented, "To heal from ravaging disease, the first step is always going to be nauseating friends with revolting photos and descriptions. Now our machines do that for the patient instantly. Medical technology is only as good as its ability to interact with Facebook."

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Country Starts War Only To Realize It Would Rather Just Watch TV

OVERSEAS – "This whole war thing takes a lot of planning and energy and moving around and crap," said a spokesperson. "Turns out it's so much easier laying on the couch." The war came to a brisk end yesterday as all citizens retreated back into their homes and fired up TIVO.

Grizzly Bear Leaves Boyfriend After He Won't Share Last Piece Of Hiker

BRITISH COLUMBIA – "All I asked for was like an ankle," said the offended bearess. "I'm outta here to go hunt my own humans someplace where they tell people 'there are no grizzlies.' Oh we'll just see about that."

Monday, August 15, 2011

Documentary 'Iguanas And The Economy' Explores How Iguanas And The Economy Couldn't Be More Unrelated

JAKARTA – Film critic John Gray commented, "There are many interesting things about iguanas, but that's not really one of them." He instead recommends his own much more poignant work, "Cows and The Moon Landing."

Friday, August 12, 2011

Man Opens Whale Store And Waits For People To Run Out Of Whales

Goose Accidentally Flies North For Winter, Cites Cell Interference

CANADA – One goose departed from its flock on Thursday and flew to Iceland for the winter instead of the usual Miami beach resort. "I forgot to turn my cell phone off and it screwed with my instinctual navigation," said the goose. He plans to switch to Sprint to obliterate signal reception.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Newspapers Run Out Of Headlines; Must Start All Future Stories With Jazz Hands

USA – With the last headline used up hours ago, newspapers now have nothing to preface articles with but jazz hands. "We knew this day would come, just as we'll also soon run out of stories. But 'No News Is Good News,' am I right?" said one journalist, while jazz-handing.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

NEWSPOLL: Who Do Owners Think They Are Waltzing Back Into Dogs' Lives After Vacation?

RENO – "Mo," a dog from the headline, thought his owners abandoned him after he spent weeks at some random stranger's house. "I made a whole new life here," said Mo. "Now they want me back? OK, but I'll never love them like before until I forget this ever happened about two minutes from now."

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Airline Passenger Disappointed To Find Items In Overhead Bin Didn't Shift During Flight

PHOENIX – Excited to open the overhead bin carefully after landing, Delta passenger Joe Tull outlined his bag with a pen before takeoff. "It didn't shift one bit," Tull muttered as the pilot confirmed his measurements. Delta apologized and promised to make Tull's next flight much more turbulent.