Wednesday, July 20, 2011

O'Hare Airport Speeds Up Security Checkpoints By Offering Separate Line For Terrorists

CHIGAGO - "Getting through security for people not intending to blow up a plane has never gone faster," reported TSA agents. "It's amazing how every single terrorist has been dumb enough to follow the sign and get in the special line," he added. "That lets us catch like 80% of them."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Area Woman Packs Entire Contents Of Home And Neighbor's Home To Go On Vacation

DALLAS – Meg Dawson, 35, has 21 bags to check at the airport for her three-day trip. "You never know what you'll need, or what anyone you meet might need," she commented. "That's why I pack EVERYTHING." Oddly, Dawson's only carry-on item is a pen.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

NASA Still Trying To Sell Space Shuttle It 'Only Drove To Outer Space Like Once A Year'

FLORIDA -- "It's in pretty good condition," a spokesperson said. "We always parked it in the hangar and changed the astronauts a lot.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Area Wife Having To Make Room In Bed For Husband's New Camera

WHEREVER – Just like last year with his iPhone and orbital saw, Sam Dooley has reportedly fallen so deeply in love with his new DSLR camera that he sleeps with it at night. Dooley's wife felt ignored at first but luckily has found another use for the telephoto lens.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Hawaii Just OK As 'Poor Man's Jersey Shore'


KONA – In a risky test, vacationer Joe Orr was subjected to a free week in tropical Hawaiian paradise with fantastic scenery, food, and recreation. "Far cry from Jersey," said Orr. "No boardwalk or arcades, and hula girls got mad when I put dollar bills in their skirts. In the end I prefer the U.S."


Monday, July 11, 2011

Area Woman's 'Base Tan' Complete; Now Working On 'Base Buzz'


JERSEY – "For weeks I just got more sun than the day before, so I won't burn in Jamaica," manicurist Lisa Hall told reporters. "Now I've been drinking more each day so I won't get too wasted when we go out partying." Hall remains too drunk to realize her flight to Jamaica actually left last week.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

NASA Retires Atlantis; Will Just Run Airport Shuttles From Now On


FLORIDA – A NASA spokesperson reported yesterday the agency will now concentrate on the more important work of managing travelers and luggage on airport vans. "We have the expertise," he said smugly, "once we learn something about gas-powered vehicles and land transport."




Friday, July 8, 2011

Area Sniper On Roof With List Of Friends Who Didn't Wish Him Happy Birthday On Facebook


WACO, TX – Mail carrier Sam Peyton, who never tried sniping before and really likes it, said, "These Facebook slackers seem as good a target group as any. A few of my friends posted a belated wish the day after. Those guys I'll just wound."