Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Scientists Still Trying To Cure Pesky Will To Live

SEATTLE—Researchers say the will to live is one tough disease. "Staying alive can really rock compared to being dead," said scientist Dan Hughes. "What we can't explain is why people are so driven to stick around for minimal fun when they have to pay for it with so much work and pain." 

Hughes performed an experiment where he put a few humans in a cage and blasted Justin Bieber nonstop. Once a day, he would bring around a morsel of food. Yet despite their wretched discomfort, the humans all scrambled over each other like animals to get to the food so they could stay alive. "It was pretty funny to watch," said Hughes. 

He said the will to live is insidiously passed on from one generation to the next. "Parents are always trying to keep their kids alive. They'll tell them to look both ways before crossing the street. They'll teach them about eating well, and not becoming super famous and flying in a small plane. Kids ignore these suggestions at first, but at some point, they decide to live long enough to take care of their elderly parents, who are still around why? That's right. Their damned will to live."

A drug is currently being developed to hopefully counteract the will to live. "It won't make people start killing themselves or anything, but it'll take the edge off all the hope and optimism that gets in the way of being completely apathetic about existing," said Hughes. "Insurance companies have already said they're more than happy to pay for it."