Sunday, November 15, 2009


How do serial daters doom their searches for perfect mates? Let’s count the ways.

They choose lovers based on pretty physiques, shared interests, geography and demography. They rely on chance meetings, fix-ups, or stalking a Kinko’s clerk just for her Celtic accent and rumored bi-curiosity. No wonder the divorce rate is 50% and unrequited lust is more commonplace than double-strength espresso at a Madonna movie premiere.

It’s simple: Picking a date should depend on one thing, and that’s compatibility of psychological makeup. You need shyness in one partner mediated by the other’s exhibitionism. You need her obsessive compulsive disorder justifying his retreat into golf addiction. It’s always been about harmonizing festering subconscious drives. Look at Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne. Did they connect because they both fancied clotted cream at teatime? No – they married because of complimentary mindsets conducive to biting off bat heads and mailing feces to annoying clients.

Of course, reading online ads gets people closer to picking someone with the right psychological profile. So many singles use the method that it's gained more popularity and respect than love itself. But how do you find a mate that matches you ideally in terms of rawest emotionality?

Enter Register there and you’ll be set up with singles based on info supplied by the one most deeply mired, albeit mercenarily, in the muck of your brain – your psychotherapist. He or she fills out a questionnaire and TheraDate boils the answers up in a lab to produce potentially perfect paramour pairs.

So what if this clinical incubation of romance evokes that proverbial brave yet dystopic new world? TheraDate has real promise for defibrillating the aging lonely hearts spending Saturday nights inflating the national Dove Bar consumption statistics.

Think of the guy so frugal he flushes only once a week, having to pay for dinner with a daddy’s little girl who wouldn’t dare flush for herself. Now think of this guy on TheraDate. Immediately he’s hooked up with a restaurant-avoiding agoraphobic – and love blooms. TheraDate can also help those with family ties more ephemeral than Etch-a-Sketch doodles, who therefore crave lavish attention. They'll now be easily diverted from freedom-starved momma's boys and steered toward doting sugar daddies instead. Whatever the mental minefields of subscribers, this service can’t lose.

Let's just hope that when your therapist fills out TheraDate's questionnaire on you, s/he's truly wanting to help you hook up, instead of hoping to portray you as so crazy that you'll have no choice but to finally give in to your therapist's sexual advances. But I digress.

Luckily many jaded singles, in attempts to cure their self-perceived repulsiveness, already have histories with a few dozen psychotherapists. From there, TheraDate simply joins singles together permanently in the holy acrimony that is everyone’s birthright.

Going this route could easily end up being the quickest way to date a Celtic bi-curious Kinko’s clerk anyway. You’re bound to click with at least one of her personalities. Only the TheraDate staff knows for sure.