Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sports: Men vs. Women

Here's a lesson on male vs. female perspectives on professional sports.

FEMALES: Sports represent an immature male addiction to violence, competition, and all other human defects. MALES: God had two sons, Jesus Christ and Whoever Invented ESPN.

Men's obsession with sports starts prenatally when a father indoctrinates his wife's fetus. DAD: Hello in there, champ! I can't wait to show you what's out here. Basketballs, footballs, kneepads, jockstraps, Gatorade, cheerleaders, and season tickets to every sporting event in this state, which I afforded by donating sperm daily for three years, so when you come out of there you let me know how your mother got pregnant, deal? BABY: Enough! I'm trying to get some sleep before the big day. And anyway, that was my thumb on the ultrasound. I'm a freakin’ girl.

Male sports devotion not only starts early but ends late. My great grandfather worshipped baseball enough to miss key family events, like the sixties. Similar fixation causes variations of this scene:

HER: Let's leave the bar now. HIM: When the game's over. HER: But you're due at the hospital. HIM: I can reschedule those tests. HER: This isn't for tests, it's for heart surgery. HIM: It can wait. I feel fine! HER: Yes. You're a cardiologist, remember? Your patient's waiting. HIM: But Delmore just tied it up! The patient will understand. HER: The patient is your mother. HIM: All right, let's go. The O.R. has a radio.

Next scenario: John gets stadium nachos indigestion at a hockey game. Leaving the stands he asks Jane to pay close attention so she can update him when he returns.

JOHN: Damn, the game's over! What happened?? JANE: Well, the blue team shot at the other goal again like in the first period – and they say women change their minds a lot! There was more fighting, which I find quite objectionable. Anyway, everyone skated fast. Whenever the red light lit up, a scoreboard number changed, I noticed. But you know what was really amazing? The beer vendor came by twice, but the soda vendor? Never! Also, a kid tripped the cotton candy guy and they threw punches. John? John? Are you about to vomit again? JOHN: Just tell me who won. JANE: Hmm. I'd have to say the cotton candy guy.

Women pay closer attention to diving, tennis, and figure skating, which men could enjoy if these sports involved more blood. Possible solutions: Diving – position board over parking lot. Tennis – bring back John McEnroe. Figure skating – bring back Tanya Harding.

Correspondingly, if you give kids chess sets, the boys will feign combat with the pieces, while the girls will arrange theirs into a tea party setting. This foretells adult male tendencies toward aggression and adult female tendencies toward offering guests a wide selection of hot beverages. But though you can cure women of hospitality, you can never truly distract a man, like football fan Dan, from sports:

DORA: Honey, see my negligee? DAN: Yes! I could just pick you up like a pigskin and fling you over the headboard. Come here and rub some black gunk under my eyes.

Dora sued for divorce; Dan used The Refrigerator for defense counsel. Dora blocked and gained ten yards, but had to break for a commercial. Dan almost asphyxiated Dora by wearing a sweaty jersey to the deposition, but Dora distracted him with "Sports Bloopers" videos. Dora later married a hockey player who sleeps in a separate bed with his stick. Dan suffered ruthless mockery by ex-friends, since he can now only afford the Bowling Channel.

The sexes remain contrary, but can compromise. Men can please women by a) watching sports less and b) spending more quality time with women. And women can thrill men by a) watching sports more and b) spending less quality time with men. Everybody wins!