Friday, November 6, 2009

Mobile Moan Tones

Don't you hate it when your cell phone just rings or plays music? Instead of "a little ditty," wouldn't you really prefer something "a little dirty?" Look no further. The company Wicked Wireless has teamed up with porn star Jenna Jameson to bring you mobile moan tones.

When a call comes in, your phone launches into the kind of sound Jameson makes when she's hard at work. Can you hear it now? You're giving a presentation, and you forget to turn off your cell, and it suddenly pipes up with some provocative groaning. Because the universe hates you just that much, it takes you a full minute to find the thing, while the hair of aging execs turns whiter and the slip in your next paycheck turns pinker.

I'm no marketing whiz, but I'm guessing this service might, just might, appeal more to men than women. And certainly teens will be all over it. Cell phones don't exactly have "Nanny Control." You might want to think twice before you buy your kid a cell phone, a.k.a. sex toy. Because you can also download naked pictures of Jameson to your phone through this service.


I could see how this would all lead to getting pretty attached to your phone, to the point of calling it "Lola" and taking it out for romantic dinners. Next thing you know, your girlfriend's jealous of this younger device you've been seeing and starts a cat fight with it on a club dance floor. But as women always do, she'll make up with the phone and then you'll have scored yourself a threesome, my friend.


It was only a matter of time before the porn industry followed the advertising industry in invading every possible frontier. Just to hear some indecent sound effects, why should you have to rent a video, fire up the Internet, rack up a 900 number bill, or have actual intimate relations with someone you love? It's a fast-food, faster-money, fastest-sex world, and this fits right in. Me, I'd rather my cell phone uttered a motivational thought or the sound of puppies playing. I have too much self-respect to plug into this company's sleaziness. Besides, I recorded my own ring moan tones and they blow Jenna Jameson's half-baked sex mutterings out of the water.