Saturday, November 14, 2009

Bye Bye Teeth

Teeth are more trouble than they're worth. A few weeks ago I was out having lunch when I bit into what anyone would expect to break a tooth on – an overcooked noodle. Off came the filling from molar #19. This was my favorite of all molars so I was not happy.

Unfortunately I was in-between dentists, which I discovered is much worse than being in-between boyfriends, in-between jobs, and even in-between meals. Finally I found a dentist available that day to muzzle my exposed nerve. That's when the real fun started. Dr. C gave me a shot of Novocain and returned after ten minutes.

"Can you feel that?" she asked while poking my gum, to which I replied, "Yes indeed I can still feel that, you gum poker."

It ended up taking four shots before I felt numb. Maybe the wrong nerve was being medicated. More likely, the fates were finally paying me back for every sin by giving me an amazing resistance to all mechanisms designed to protect me from excruciating pain.

It got to the point where I asked for The Gas. You know, the nitrous oxide. That euphoria-inducing stuff that makes you think to yourself, "Ahhh. Hmmm, let's review my life. I'm half a mil in debt, but I should have that paid off by the weekend. And that staph infection eating away at my left leg? That's one pretty effortless way to lose weight."

An hour later I had so much Novocain in my bloodstream that to keep from passing out I had to concentrate really hard on baseball scores. (That's the second most common use of recalling sports trivia.)

An evaluation said I don't need root canal in the tooth, and who wants a root canal if they can avoid it, right? Nope, that's where you're wrong. Because based on the hassle of restoring just this one tooth, here's my plan to resolve the very trying human condition of owning a mouth.

I, Holly Love, would like to have a dentist whittle away all of my teeth to nothing. Then I'll have root canal performed on every tooth. That's right. Extract every last tooth nerve so I'll never feel pain in them again. I'll then have beautiful gleaming crowns placed on each tooth. Take that, molar #19, and all of your gnarly friends.

For this mother of all tooth improvements, I'll go under general anesthesia – forget Novocain. It'll be a once-and-done deal. All my controversial mercury fillings will be gone. I'll never be in the middle of another luncheon, class, crab fest, or coronation and have to duck out to the dentist. This will be like having bionic teeth. Remove and replace biological components, and you're left with low-maintenance, high-performance, good-looking ivories.

For being the first one to volunteer for this radical procedure, I'll expect to have it done for free. I'll grant photo shoots, of course. I'll be world renowned, a pioneer in all of toothdom, hailed for my bravery and innovation. This will be the best thing that ever happened to me…to dentistry…to all of medicine. My face now warms at this outstanding contribution I'll be making to humankind!

Or at least, it all seemed like a great idea when I was under the gas.