Monday, October 26, 2009

Daylight Savings

This Sunday we turn back the clock for Daylight Savings Time. Call me crazy, but I like a little light when I get up in the morning so I can see if I’ve morphed into a giant Kafkaesque insect overnight. Either way, it feels like quite the power trip to be able to recover sixty whole minutes from the supposedly unchangeable March of Time. Obviously this march is pretty changeable after all, submissively changing directions when it sees the daylight savings roadblock. Time's sister continuum of space is just as wimpy and defenseless against the random whims of humans, or else there would be no such thing as MySpace.

I even like how daylight savings makes it get darker earlier in the evening. When the sun goes down, I try to let the pressure on myself to be productive go down with it. The sooner I can set aside figuring out how best to resurrect my writing career, and sit down with a Seinfeld rerun and a pound cake, the better. (By the way, if you eat pound cake or anything else right after you turn back the clock you can do it guilt-free because any calories consumed during that hour won't be absorbed.)

In fact, the earlier in the day that everyone finishes doing stuff and turns out their lights, the better for the world's energy savings. Don't worry about what's left undone. Both literally and figuratively, at the end of the day, accomplishment is overrated. That’s why I do things like write columns about daylight savings time. Rather than contribute to society in meaningful ways, I prefer to muse about things that people with stable psychological functioning manage to ignore. Next, for instance, I plan to research the trajectory of farm animals in the event of Earth's collision with an asteroid. Doctoral theses, I assure you, have been submitted on less deserving subjects.

Interestingly, it may not matter if you turn back the clocks this Sunday at 2 a.m. or not. Quantum physicists say time is a human construct and doesn't really exist. In celebration of this please join me on Saturday for this challenge: Get through the day without once looking at a clock. In your FACE, time. Who needs your imprisonment? We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore! I may also stop allowing myself to be constrained by money and work and weather and eating right and civility…oh, and gravity, too. I'll just flap my arms to lift off so fast that I'll break through this silly fictional time barrier once and for all. Just so you know, one more thing I plan to stop believing in is trying to fix my aforementioned unstable psychological functioning. I am so not flying to therapy in the new 6 pm dark.