Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Poor August

What's with August having no major holidays? Distinguished but dead Roman dictator Augustus would be appalled that his namesake month has only obscure ones, like National Mustard Day, Bad Poetry Day, and Middle Child’s Day. None promise time off from work, gifts, or an excuse to drink heavily.

This is unfair to August; it's a well-behaved month. It shows up on time to follow July every single year. It has warm weather, is mostly free of school, and it enjoys hosting your vacation. It goes the extra mile by not switching seasons after three weeks. It’s quite the exemplary month, as calendar units go. Yet for all its loyalty, it remains unadorned by a good solid work-free holiday for folks to ignore the meaning of.


Maybe we should institute “Affirmative August,” whereby August would be given preferential treatment whenever any new holidays need to be assigned. This would insure that if some great citizen ended starvation or telemarketing, we’d celebrate his or her birthday in August, even if it were in December. If Pennsylvania were to declare "Ski the Poconos Day," it would have to be in August. And none of that historical accuracy junk could keep us from finally making an August holiday out of the anniversary of the day God created Earth, even though that occurred of course in March. Or we could give August some "bank" holidays like they have in the U.K., although I can’t find anyone who thinks their bank deserves a holiday.


August does have the distinction of being Water Quality Month and Foot Health Month, which is ironic because water becomes quite low quality once used for foot health. But that’s not all – August is also the month of catfish, golf, eye exams, romance awareness, and peaches.

Here are some of my suggestions for what should occur every August: September Day – because August is often quoted as saying, "Hey look, I can see September from my house!" Health Care Day – one day per year when all Americans have health care; just see the doctor on that date, people, problem solved! Facebook Day – for non-members to join and for hardcore addicts to finally "friend" a shower. Dental Plaque Day – because if it hadn't been discovered, Americans would probably blame tooth decay on terrorism.


And finally, Holly Love Day, because, well, obviously. My stupid boss tells me he still wouldn't let me have the day off.