Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Antichrist Finally Nabbed

Paradise, PA – Concluding a hellishly eternal undercover operation, police have finally nabbed the Antichrist.

"For years we tried everything," commented the police commissioner. "We called out, ‘Here, little Antichrist. Here here, little Antichrist’. We placed want ads for insurance claim adjusters. We crashed shape-shifting night school courses. Nothing."

Officials were tipped off by hairdresser Bea Smith, who ordered a muffin at a diner and saw the face of the biblical fugitive clearly depicted in its crackled top. A SWAT steam stormed the diner's kitchen, where they found the Antichrist making extra money by posing for the dessert chef.

Lieutenant Dan Wilson was the one to apprehend the infamous transgressor, who just the night before had spontaneously combusted a record nineteen priests. Said Wilson, "I’m an atheist and a firm nonbeliever in all this fire and brimstone junk, so I was the only one who wasn’t afraid to approach the sucker. The other guys were all like, 'Oooh, noo, he’ll turn me into a serpent,' and peeing their pants. I just walked up and cuffed him."

Wilson became unavailable for further comment because later that day he disintegrated into a smoldering heap of pea-green vomit, neighbors report.

The Antichrist’s reign of terror was wide. He had infiltrated bible study groups, smoking and sitting cross-legged, rolling his eyes while loudly repeating, "Yadda yadda yadda." He had been traveling the country masquerading as George Bush, but even with his orange neon eyes and head full of crowned horns, no one noticed. He even had a short gig singing show tunes at the experimental "Trump Hotel, Casino, and Inferno." Trump showgirl Theresa King noted, "He was kind of quiet, ate live chickens for breakfast, and kept talking about getting a job with R. J. Reynolds. Me and the girls were glad to have him around; he made a decent pimp. He knew a lot about sex, which was weird because he said he’d only ever slept with one woman. Klara Hitler, I think he said her name was."

The Antichrist had also worked briefly as an auto mechanic. His former boss, Benny Sheister said, "That didn’t work out. He was too honest. Plus he wouldn't stop talking about some 'final battle of Armageddon' that he kept asking customers the right address for."

What, now, is his best punishment? Life? Death? Making him banter with Regis when Kelly Ripa’s on vacation?

For the moment, the Antichrist is holed up in a jail cell, awaiting trial while he creates quizzes on Facebook (search for "Antichrist Schmantichrist"). Johnny Cochran is expected to defend him.