Sunday, October 18, 2009

Meditation for the Busy

The practice of meditation will put you in the greatest state of relaxation you'll experience until you're dead. But you don't have time, you say? Here are the top ways to squeeze meditation into even the busiest schedule.


Meditate during classes, if you're a college student. Does one attend school, and spend thousands of dollars doing it, just to toil for years to master the necessary skills for a meaningful lifelong career? Let’s be honest. The purpose of school is to relax.


Stop entertaining yourself at stoplights by flapping your arms and making barnyard animal noises. Meditate instead. When you forget to open your eyes, and hit other drivers who then yell obscenities, your mental peace will allow you to reply, "Bless you with the light of the Krishna, for I am uninsured and leaving now.” Should you be caught, you'll surely receive empathy from any one of the many traffic court judges who used to be Hindu yogi masters.


Meditate in your seat at football games. When people make noise and disturb your aura, point to your sandwich board with the words, "Quiet, please. Spiritual renewal in progress." Try it. Whole stadiums full of sports fans will be happy to shut up just so you can chill out.


Meditate during TV commercials. You’ll miss seeing things like super-magnified tooth plaque, the petrified matter exorcised from clogged drains, and shriveling Raid-soaked cockroaches, but it just might be worth the sacrifice.


Call a government agency for assistance and meditate while on hold, because you'll get in at least 23 hours a day of meditation this way. During that remaining hour when you have an agent's attention, you should keep meditating, rather than explaining why you need help. Studies show this will make it more likely you'll get your problem solved. That's because the agency already knew about your problem, and they were prepared to take the two minutes to solve it, but they just wanted to make sure you wasted a whole lot of time on it first. If you speak actual words to them, you can only really make it worse.


Meditate during airplane rides. When your seatmate inevitably starts talking endlessly about his urethra, simply remain motionless until your flight attendant thinks you're dead. Score! Instead of hearing surgery details, you're riding in the back with a toe tag and a much cozier blanket than before.


Meditate yourself into a mesmerized state while gassing up the car, by focusing on the gas pump's scrolling numbers. Then go stand next to another fuel customer and stare intently at his numbers. Repeat at next pump, and next gas station, and so on. Later that day you'll learn even more meditation techniques from your fellow catatonic psych ward patients.


Meditate in the bathroom in the morning. How many thousands of times have you performed the grooming routine? You can certainly do it with your eyes closed. Accidentally shaving your head instead of your legs will only strengthen your resemblance to a meditating Buddha, ladies.


Meditate right before checking out my latest blog post every day. Once you come to believe that your meditation euphoria is actually caused by reading this blog, you'll send me your entire life savings. Congratulations – you'll have more time to meditate than ever once you're broke and homeless. Hey, you are welcome.