For women about to go on a blind date, here's my comprehensive quiz to administer to the guy. His answers will warn you if he's a man of extremes and best avoided.
Do you want children?
a) I'm so scared of getting a woman pregnant I might start using those condom things.
b) I want ten. Watching a woman go through labor really turns me on.
What about pets?
a) I'm passionate about animals. My ex-wife was a Shepherd-Collie mix.
b) The only animals I tolerate are the ones on a menu.
How in touch are you with your feelings?
a) Luckily, as a real man, I've never had an actual feeling.
b) Could you hand me a tissue? Oh, that Barney.
Do you see a therapist?
a) Yes, every time I open my car trunk, right next to my sister.
b) Yeah, but she's cheating on me, too.
How's your self esteem?
a) I'll answer as soon as I finish drinking your bath water.
b) It obviously needs work – I'm on a date with you.
What is your view of women?
a) Hopefully the view from the bar at a strip club.
b) I'd like to be one. Here's hoping my next sex-change operation actually works.
What's your feeling about the great outdoors?
a) I love great feelings outdoors. Let's get naked on this park bench.
b) I appreciate nature, and not just because I'm homeless.
What are your political views?
a) I favor total anarchy. I break a law every day, which as a lawyer isn't hard.
b) They're complex. The changing of my name to Adolf tells only half the story.
Do you like to travel?
a) No thanks, I don't like anything that involves recreation or enjoyment.
b) When my hijackings go well, sure.
Do you exercise?
a) Does speaking really fast to get this questionnaire over with count?
b) I had my work desk installed into a giant hamster wheel.
Do you do drugs?
a) Not at all, purple bunny riding my pet leprechaun!
b) I call the cops if someone so much as pops a vitamin. Is that 500 mg of calcium on your breath?
Do you even like me?
a) Yes! I'm gay, of course, but you're plenty masculine.
b) I think you're vile, but you remind me of my mother. When are you free?