Thursday, October 1, 2009

Mate Questionnaire

For women about to go on a blind date, here's my comprehensive quiz to administer to the guy. His answers will warn you if he's a man of extremes and best avoided.

Do you want children?

a) I'm so scared of getting a woman pregnant I might start using those condom things.

b) I want ten. Watching a woman go through labor really turns me on.

What about pets?

a) I'm passionate about animals. My ex-wife was a Shepherd-Collie mix.

b) The only animals I tolerate are the ones on a menu.

How in touch are you with your feelings?

a) Luckily, as a real man, I've never had an actual feeling.

b) Could you hand me a tissue? Oh, that Barney.

Do you see a therapist?

a) Yes, every time I open my car trunk, right next to my sister.

b) Yeah, but she's cheating on me, too.

How's your self esteem?

a) I'll answer as soon as I finish drinking your bath water.

b) It obviously needs work – I'm on a date with you.

What is your view of women?

a) Hopefully the view from the bar at a strip club.

b) I'd like to be one. Here's hoping my next sex-change operation actually works.

What's your feeling about the great outdoors?

a) I love great feelings outdoors. Let's get naked on this park bench.

b) I appreciate nature, and not just because I'm homeless.

What are your political views?

a) I favor total anarchy. I break a law every day, which as a lawyer isn't hard.

b) They're complex. The changing of my name to Adolf tells only half the story.

Do you like to travel?

a) No thanks, I don't like anything that involves recreation or enjoyment.

b) When my hijackings go well, sure.

Do you exercise?

a) Does speaking really fast to get this questionnaire over with count?

b) I had my work desk installed into a giant hamster wheel.

Do you do drugs?

a) Not at all, purple bunny riding my pet leprechaun!

b) I call the cops if someone so much as pops a vitamin. Is that 500 mg of calcium on your breath?

Do you even like me?

a) Yes! I'm gay, of course, but you're plenty masculine.

b) I think you're vile, but you remind me of my mother. When are you free?