KIMBERTON, PA – Scientists have discovered what the single most abundant substance of all time is. It's cat hair, which beat out junk mail, but just by a hair.
Head scientist Morris Cheshire talked about the first piece of evidence. "It was twenty pairs of pants donated by people who had visited the homes of cat owners, and who against their better judgment, had sat down. Even though the pants had been washed, they contained enough hair to build several more cats. That's because cloth clings to cat hair even better than cats do. The force of attraction between cat hair and fabric is four million gauss. Unless the hair and fabric are of contrasting colors; then it's eight million."
Cheshire advises people not to brush their cats to remove loose hair, because every hair exorcised prematurely will cause fifty possessed replacements to grow back overnight. In fact, many cats have grown so much hair through this process that their bodies are now composed of 98% hair (plus 2% fish breath).
Cat owner Tootie Manfield says, "We should celebrate all the cat hair pervading our midst. There are much worse midst-pervaders. What if all cat hairs were replaced by pollen particles, or rubber eraser residue, or god forbid, those talking Scrubbing Bubbles? Call me a feline sympathizer, but cat hair serves a lot of good purposes. What's inside those stress balls people squeeze when they're frustrated? Cat hair. What's that coating on frozen battered fish made of? Cat hair. What's in those bags they pile up to hold back approaching flood waters? That's right, sand. But the bags themselves are made of cat hair."
Cheshire says the world will always have a surplus of cat hair, since cats will certainly outlive the human race. "They have enough hair to protect their vital organs from radiation due to nuclear fallout or complete depletion of the ozone." He says another reason for the omnipresence of cat hair is that it can travel long distances, which has its ups and downs. "Cases have been reported where cat hair left behind in California found its way by instinct alone all the way back to its grieving owners in New Jersey. But sadly, in remote regions of Earth where no cats have ever tread, people have been injured by earthquakes caused by gigantic migrating cat hair balls."
"Now we're looking for the least abundant substance of all time," Cheshire reports. "Although by definition, it can't be found." Which means a return to studying cat hair and its role in this century. Some suggest that cat hair will become the next weapon of mass destruction. The Secretary of Defense was eager to comment. "If the United States wants invincible world dominance, all we need to do is threaten to shake a thousand cats over uncooperative countries. Iran, North Korea – these nations should consider themselves warned. We've got cat hair. And we're not afraid to use it."