Monday, November 2, 2009

Holy Electronic Bible!

Have you ever seen an electronic bible? It's handheld, searchable, and it talks. Hallelujah for the portable pocket preacher! No more wondering in line at the credit union, "Is it 'money' or 'the love of money' that I Timothy 6:10 says is the root of all evil? And how should that affect my deposit?"

Who among us hasn't argued with a friend over Abraham's age at circumcision? One quick search through cyber Genesis for "foreskin" reveals that he was ninety. (And replied to God's request with, "OK, but you go first.")

The unit's talking feature will definitely beef up games of "Name that Prophet." Take this electronic omnibus on a bus and ask your seatmate, "Which prophet was supposed to offer the burnt offering to assure God's favor on Israel in the battle against the Philistines?" When your bible says "Samuel" before your seatmate can, reply with "You didn’t know? I guess that makes you a philistine. Ha!" Oh, the friends you'll make.

You'd have to be careful, though. Accidentally leaning against the "Talk" button in your movie theater seat could activate that noisy Tower of Babel simulation. And it's not fun shelling out $100 (i.e., eight billion Old Testament shekels). For that much, you should get more than just information; you should get salvation. A button labeled "Sin Absolution" would really sell these babies. The stock would run out in one day from the Capitol Hill orders alone. A ticket to heaven ought to at least go to whoever first typed the entire old and new testaments for screen display. I just hope the guy took a break before the boss walked in with the Koran, the I Ching, and the Dead Sea Scrolls.

What would Jesus have thought of this innovation? He would have loved it. If he were carrying a little device that could magically scroll psalms and speak aloud parables, a lot more people would have believed he was the Son of God. Moses would have benefited, too. Instead of lugging those heavy stone tablets bearing the Ten Commandments, he could have just clipped this compact doohickey onto his robe sash like a beeper and darted down Mount Sinai much faster. Of course, it would have been less dramatic for the desert dwellers when instead of smashing the tablets, he just pulled off the back cover of his electronic bible and yanked out the battery.

It's truly an invention perfect for the busy but pious. Instead of spending Sunday mornings in church, you can just plug headphones into this reverend replica and soak up scripture while vacuuming. Have a Ritz cracker and some Sangria at the same time and you've even got communion covered.

Even better, what if an electronic bible received Webcam feed from your church, so you'll never again have an excuse for missing a service? Or maybe the device could let you e-mail every biblical figure including St. John the Baptist, Satan, and Gideon. I have it from a good source that these developments are happening, and that God is so pleased he plans on finally appearing to the masses to do a bible signing. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. I swear on a stack of electronic holy bibles.