Sunday, October 11, 2009

Election Consolation

Right after Bush beat Kerry in 2004, I tried to cheer up those as disappointed as myself.


Here were my "Top 12 Reasons Why Kerry Supporters Can Still Rejoice."


1. Since you're about to become even less able to afford health care, you'll probably be too sick to go to war when you're drafted.


2. Eventually you'll get used to headlines like, "Bush giving Schwarzenegger 24 hours notice before invading California."


3. Saturday Night Live will get to continue "parodizing the admistration's misunderestimated strategeries."


4. If Fidel Castro can fall down and go boom, so can Bush.


5. Somebody will finally solve the biggest Clue game mystery: Laura Bush and Colin Powell did it, in the Oval Office, with a very large tub of body butter.


6. It'll be fun deciphering Constitutional amendments like: No man shall marry another man nor be allowed to have an abortion unless he leaves none of his stem cells behind.


7. There are only 190 countries left for Bush to bomb, which gives him only about one week until January 2009 to attack each, or one year each if he sticks with the countries he's heard of.


8. Poor voting reform will probably enable us in 2008 to elect a U.S. president who isn't even on the ballot.


9. Maybe next time there can be two presidents – one for Democrats and one for Republicans. That shouldn't be any harder to achieve than eliminating the electoral college.


10. Lives will be saved as science gathers more clues from Bush about how humans can survive even without blood supply to the brain.


11. Bin Laden's next target will surely be a state that went for W, but no terrorist alert can even make you blink, since the worst terrorist is already in the White House.


12. There's always the option of seceding from the Union. I just e-mailed France to see if they would take us.