Thursday, October 8, 2009

Animal Newscast

When I submitted this to Mad Magazine they said they would publish it if I could provide good enough accompanying art. That was the end of that. It takes me ten tries to create a recognizable stick figure.


Good evening. I'm Abe Apeman. Welcome to Animal Channel's Local News, the broadcast by, for, and about animals. Tonight's top story is the tragic death of famed raccoon Rocky Raccoon, run over by a dump truck that swerved to avoid some sort of human child in its path.

Funeral services will be held tomorrow in the cavity of that big rotting oak immediately after trashcan scavenging hour.

In other news, hundreds of dogs and cats were ruthlessly spayed, neutered, de-clawed, and euthanized today by veteriterrorists in the name of "animal welfare." Efforts continue to organize a combat group of lions and tigers and bears who will capture and perform the exact same procedures on these self-proclaimed do-gooders. Please send donations to the group members, as to tackle this mission they'll need money for the appropriate medical equipment and for opposable thumb strap-ons. Connie, to you.


Thanks, Abe. Now let's check the developing story of Brit Wales, a Scottish Terrier living in Ireland. Wales is being sued by his neighbor's pug for sexual harassment. Sources say bite marks on the plaintiff's neck do match the dental imprint obtained from Wales. Let's hear from Wales now:


Please. The reason I bit her is I wanted her rotting goose carcass. As if a purebred terrier such as myself would even think about contaminating the line with Chihuahua blood. She's just trying to milk me for bucks to put granite countertops in her 1950s doghouse. Who has time for this. I'm way behind on licking myself.

More on that story later. Meanwhile, let's go to Duke Deer for sports.

Well, Connie, the Eagles beat the Cardinals in overtime. But what a game for the Bears and Lions, still in progress. Of course, it was all over for the Dolphins in the first quarter with those amazing Colts, not unlike last week's takeover of the Falcons by the Panthers. Tune in later for an update on the Rams and Jaguars. Abe?


Thanks, Duke. Turning back to the courts, a herd of buffaloes has begun litigation against the city of Buffalo, New York for using their name without consent. They threaten to stampede Wall Street unless the name is changed or they are given three tons of marinated gazelles. Howard, we're ready for weather.


Well, it's seventy degrees, low humidity, sunny skies and westerly 10 mph winds. Terrible riding weather, Abe. It looks bad for racing, jumping, hunting, and polo. It's terrible grooming and horse whispering weather, too. But will humans leave us alone? Nayayayoooooo! I say revolt. Go on a thirst strike. When they lead us to water, don't drink. They can't make us!


And that's the news for now. Tune in at 11 for our special report, "Safer Sex with SPCA Babes."