Thursday, May 30, 2013

Baby Currently Being Born Wondering If He Has Time To Live This Particular Life Right Now

A Sacramento baby still in a birth canal at press time has reportedly been assessing whether he really has time to live the life he's being goaded into starting. Said the infant, "It's like when an article or video interests you, but it's just so damned long. And you wonder if it'll be worth it."

Friday, May 24, 2013

Movie On TIVO Has Been Sitting There Unwatched For Three Years Now

Sources say in 2010 a Chicago couple TIVO'd a movie they still haven't watched. "I'm ready to let go," said the husband. "But my wife isn't. She made plans yet again to supposedly watch it 'this weekend.' Time for an intervention."

Monday, May 13, 2013

90% Of Sheep Strongly Object To Term "Sheeple"

Said one herd's leader, "Why use our name to describe habitual conformists? We're free thinkers who unlike humans almost never poop in the same place twice."

Sunday, May 12, 2013

As Nostalgic Mother's Day Gift, Man Lets Mom Push Him Down Street In Stroller

—"It was just like he was a baby again!" said the mother of Kevin Oliver, 32. "I was so touched." Afterward Oliver smeared peanut butter and jelly on his face so Mom could clean it off with a spit-filled tissue.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

New Movie 'Zero Dark Birdy' Profiles Bin Laden's Parakeet

—Said an operative, "We believe the animal overheard a lot and can lead us to other terrorists." At press time, the bird was still demanding thirty virgin pigeons before agreeing to talk. 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Shakespeare's Birthday To Be Biggest News Today, Or Not To Be

—"That is the question," wrote the playwright. "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous violence, or to take arms against a sea of mental disturbance displayed by perpetrators and legislators alike. Or to simply shun all news to know peace for one stinkin' fortnight."

Bush Misses Today's Dedication Ceremony For The 'George Bush Library' After Being Unable To Find It

—"Wait, don't tell me," said the former president. "I know it's somewhere. What does a library look like?"

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Mid-April Best Time To Box Up Your Winter Cats, Bring Spring Ones Out Of Storage

Man Dies Of Drug Underdose

MAINE—"Tragic case," said the coroner of the autopsy on Portland resident Herman Littles. "We couldn't find any alcohol, nicotine, pharmaceuticals, or other drugs in his system. No addictive substances whatsoever, not even sugar." Littles was 112.

Sunburn Victim Sues The Well-Known Star For 93 Million

---FLORIDA---A woman who sustained multiple patches of unsightly, painful burns on Saturday has filed suit against the omnipresent yellow dwarf. "We're not just looking for punitive damages," said her lawyer. "We want that thing shut down once and for all so it can't hurt anybody else."

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Facebook To Offer Choice Of Newsfeeds: Slow Or Extra Slow

—"We're about to launch some new features and layouts," said Mark Zuckerberg. "But the most important change is how much slower your newsfeed will load. You're welcome."

The Facebook founder went on to describe the two newsfeed speeds to be offered in the coming weeks. "First, there's 'Slow.' Choose this if you're busy and want the fastest speed available. We have the computer power to sustain 14 accounts at that setting." 

If you're not one of those accounts, no problem – just choose Extra Slow. "Personally that's my favorite speed anyway," said a Facebook programmer. "It forces you to linger on the last newsfeed item even longer, giving you more time to reconsider your complete lack of interest in it."

Extra Slow also increases the chances you'll get sick of waiting and actually go do something with your life.

Facebook expects many users to demand even slower speeds to choose from, like Ultra Slow, Mega Slow, Excruciatingly Slow, and Dead Stop. "If you need one of those speeds," said Zuckerberg, "simply delete your account. Our new policy requires you to enter a valid credit card number in order to do that and avoid several hundred daily 'Please come back' e-mails. Everybody wins."

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Napping Kid Kidnapped

—"I did it for the wordplay," said the perp.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Area Man Forced To Put Pet Peeve To Sleep

—"I nurtured her every day," said Jon Shields. "She's in a better place now, though. So am I."

New Support Group Started For People With Too Many Problems To Pick Just One Support Group

—Said the leader, "It's great if you're addicted to sex, booze, drugs and gambling, and are also grieving a loss, have health and anger issues, plus eating and mood disorders, and you're also a shoplifter. Meetings tend to be very long."

Vatican Worried If They Elect Black Pope Opposers Will Complain He's A Kenyan-Born Muslim

Cardinal Peter Turkson, a top choice to be next pope.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Millionaire Refinances Garage

@Holly's Headlines' 2nd Anniversary Great Day To Catch Up On All HH Posts You've Missed

—"Facebook filters stuff out of your newsfeed," said the truth. "If you don't visit a page directly or choose 'Get Notifications' by  hovering on its "Liked" button, you don't see all of its posts. In the case of Holly's Headlines, this could cause death and irritability."

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Friday, February 22, 2013

Dollar Bill Dating Euro

—"My parents hate it," said the bill. "They want me to marry another American because their own diversity did them in. My mother's a 50, my father's a 20. They never stop fighting about money."

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Teen Finds New Meaning In Life After Near Breast Experience

—"I almost touched it and the clouds opened up," reported the boy. "I felt myself flying into brilliant light, and warmth flooded me all over. Well, in some parts more than others."

Friday, February 15, 2013

Earth-Hating Aliens Launch Test Missile Disguised As Asteroid

With endless uses for drones like taking photos, meds transport, weather tracking and more, the U.S. must be pretty proud it was the first to say "Hey let's Use them to kill people!"

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Pope Gives Up Being Pope For Lent

—Citing his health, "a bad 401K plan," "nobody ever cleaning up in the lunchroom," and how it really is such an indulgence to speak for God, Pope Benedict timed his Lenten resignation just right. "Also," he added, "I finally met a nice guy."

Thursday, February 7, 2013

To 'No-More-Saturday Delivery', Postal Service Adds:

'Forget Rainy Days, Too'
'Not If It's The Carrier's Birthday' 
'Mean Dog Owners Are S.O.L.'
'Ugly Mailboxes Get Skipped'
'Send It By E-Mail, You Jerk'

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Congress Passes Tax On Oxygen

—"The free ride on breathing is over," said Senator Harry Reid. "We'll also need to tax swallowing, falling in love, and baby farts. Report these on your income tax forms, along with how many times you use gravity per day."

Reid continued. "How many words did you speak last year? Tax will be about twelve cents each." IRS codes for this are especially complicated. Multi-syllabic words will have an exponential tax debt related to the GPS coordinates of the birthplace of the speaker's favorite second cousin.

Opponents fear that nothing will remain free. "That's not true," said Reid. "We'll also tax nothing. If you have a lot of it, prepare to pay up."

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

One More Golden Globe Goes To Les Miserables For Best Musical About French Revolution

—"We almost gave it to 'Lincoln'," said the Hollywood Foreign Press. "But it had less singing and completely blew off the French thing." 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Researchers Say Many Shark Species May Attack But Most Dangerous Is Whichever One Swimming Toward You

—"We thought it depended on how you look at the stats," said the recovering project leader. "Turns out the field research cleared things right up."

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Monday, January 7, 2013

Blind Dog Gets Seeing-Eye Cat

—Smoochie, a blind Lab from upstate, has new independence after acquiring a Seeing-Eye cat, who carefully guides him towards squirrels to chase. The cat, however, is deaf, and therefore has his own Hearing-Ear rabbit. The rabbit helps the cat know if it is meowing at exactly the right level. The rabbit, sources say, can't walk, so he rides a Walking-Leg gerbil, who gets the rabbit to Hearing-Ear school on time. The gerbil is illiterate, and is served by a Reading-Mind bumblebee, who, in turn, would hire his own desperately needed Tasting-Tongue amoeba – but that's not a real thing. Don't be ridiculous. 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Mayan Calendar Error #2: Today It Calls For The Somewhat Premature "2013 Year In Review"

BREAKING NEWS: Not Much New In Thumb Tack Technology Lately

—After receiving an anonymous tip about an alleged "thumb tack breakthrough," the committee who looks into these things held a week-long emergency investigation, only to have to report a lack of any recent progress in the design of this particular office supply item. At a packed press conference, a choked-up metallurgist stated, "They still kind of just do the same thing, in the same way as they always have." Disillusioned news crews shouted really mean things and left in disgust.

Yikes, The Year Just Became A Teenager

—Sources advise that since it's now '13, we must all be careful of the new year's feisty adolescence. Hold on tighter to your wallet, your car keys, your electronics – you get the idea. Due to increases in mating hormones, the year will start grooming longer in the bathroom. Depending on certain variables, the year may even expect you to throw it a bar mitzvah. Prepare for a potential mix of rebellion, independence, laziness, sloppiness, and louder rock music. Proceed cautiously, but do enjoy.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Birthday On Christmas Sucks, Reports Jesus

—"Every year, it's like, here's your combination birthday/Christmas present," said the Lord and Savior. "Also, heads up, all. I have enough gold cross pendants."

Monday, December 10, 2012

Latest Facebook Crash Confirmation Of Mayan-Predicted Apocalypse

—"Yup," say experts. "It's laid out right here by Nostradamus: 
'When ye shall have to rely
Solely on Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and MySpace
For that which is the pestilence called social media
Then shall ye know, the end is but eleven days away, is all I am sayeth-ing.'"

Your Car Being Broken Into As You Read This

—Like we just said, your car is being broken into as you read this, so we're wondering why you're still reading, instead of running to your car to save it. 

Friday, December 7, 2012

Couple Decides On Trial Divorce

—"We should've tried a trial separation first, but didn't think of it," said the wife. "If our trial divorce doesn't work, we'll get married again, to re-try a trial marriage. If that bombs, we'll go ahead and try that trial separation. If that fails, we'll try a trial friendship. These trials are trying. Dating - now that was tried-and-true. That's when we both really tried, you know?" The husband says he'll try anything that makes the wife stop talking about trying.