Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
A Sacramento baby still in a birth canal at press time has reportedly been assessing whether he really has time to live the life he's being goaded into starting. Said the infant, "It's like when an article or video interests you, but it's just so damned long. And you wonder if it'll be worth it."
Friday, May 24, 2013
Sources say in 2010 a Chicago couple TIVO'd a movie they still haven't watched. "I'm ready to let go," said the husband. "But my wife isn't. She made plans yet again to supposedly watch it 'this weekend.' Time for an intervention."
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
—"It was just like he was a baby again!" said the mother of Kevin Oliver, 32. "I was so touched." Afterward Oliver smeared peanut butter and jelly on his face so Mom could clean it off with a spit-filled tissue.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
—Said an operative, "We believe the animal overheard a lot and can lead us to other terrorists." At press time, the bird was still demanding thirty virgin pigeons before agreeing to talk.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
—"That is the question," wrote the playwright. "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous violence, or to take arms against a sea of mental disturbance displayed by perpetrators and legislators alike. Or to simply shun all news to know peace for one stinkin' fortnight."
Monday, April 22, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
MAINE—"Tragic case," said the coroner of the autopsy on Portland resident Herman Littles. "We couldn't find any alcohol, nicotine, pharmaceuticals, or other drugs in his system. No addictive substances whatsoever, not even sugar." Littles was 112.
---FLORIDA---A woman who sustained multiple patches of unsightly, painful burns on Saturday has filed suit against the omnipresent yellow dwarf. "We're not just looking for punitive damages," said her lawyer. "We want that thing shut down once and for all so it can't hurt anybody else."
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
—"We're about to launch some new features and layouts," said Mark Zuckerberg. "But the most important change is how much slower your newsfeed will load. You're welcome."
The Facebook founder went on to describe the two newsfeed speeds to be offered in the coming weeks. "First, there's 'Slow.' Choose this if you're busy and want the fastest speed available. We have the computer power to sustain 14 accounts at that setting."
If you're not one of those accounts, no problem – just choose Extra Slow. "Personally that's my favorite speed anyway," said a Facebook programmer. "It forces you to linger on the last newsfeed item even longer, giving you more time to reconsider your complete lack of interest in it."
Extra Slow also increases the chances you'll get sick of waiting and actually go do something with your life.
Facebook expects many users to demand even slower speeds to choose from, like Ultra Slow, Mega Slow, Excruciatingly Slow, and Dead Stop. "If you need one of those speeds," said Zuckerberg, "simply delete your account. Our new policy requires you to enter a valid credit card number in order to do that and avoid several hundred daily 'Please come back' e-mails. Everybody wins."
Monday, April 1, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Near Death Experience Gives Man Easy Choice Between Dying, Coming Back To Hear Rest Of Wife's Boring Story About Her Day
"Free at last," tweeted the man from the other side. "She probably won't notice I'm dead for a while."
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
—"I can't believe we never did this before!" said the mayor from his hospital bed.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
—Said the leader, "It's great if you're addicted to sex, booze, drugs and gambling, and are also grieving a loss, have health and anger issues, plus eating and mood disorders, and you're also a shoplifter. Meetings tend to be very long."
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
—"Facebook filters stuff out of your newsfeed," said the truth. "If you don't visit a page directly or choose 'Get Notifications' by hovering on its "Liked" button, you don't see all of its posts. In the case of Holly's Headlines, this could cause death and irritability."
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
—"It's a riveting show," said a viewer. "I cannot turn the damn thing off."
Monday, March 4, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
"We're now investigating how she could have missed this one," said culinary historians.—
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
—"Again?" penned her boyfriend, Ken Lenz. "When will she yen to end this trend?"
BREAKING: One Unsuspecting Oscar Winner Has The Random Statue Implanted With House Bomb Set To Detonate Tuesday
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
—"My parents hate it," said the bill. "They want me to marry another American because their own diversity did them in. My mother's a 50, my father's a 20. They never stop fighting about money."
Thursday, February 21, 2013
—"I almost touched it and the clouds opened up," reported the boy. "I felt myself flying into brilliant light, and warmth flooded me all over. Well, in some parts more than others."
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
—"It's almost like she doesn't want to watch me have sex with a hot actress," Mike Rowan of Oakland, CA told reporters. "WTF?"
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
—Citing his health, "a bad 401K plan," "nobody ever cleaning up in the lunchroom," and how it really is such an indulgence to speak for God, Pope Benedict timed his Lenten resignation just right. "Also," he added, "I finally met a nice guy."
Monday, February 11, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
—"To be fair," said one, "the bears could not have been teddier."
Thursday, February 7, 2013
'Forget Rainy Days, Too'
'Not If It's The Carrier's Birthday'
'Mean Dog Owners Are S.O.L.'
'Ugly Mailboxes Get Skipped'
'Send It By E-Mail, You Jerk'
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
—"The free ride on breathing is over," said Senator Harry Reid. "We'll also need to tax swallowing, falling in love, and baby farts. Report these on your income tax forms, along with how many times you use gravity per day."
Reid continued. "How many words did you speak last year? Tax will be about twelve cents each." IRS codes for this are especially complicated. Multi-syllabic words will have an exponential tax debt related to the GPS coordinates of the birthplace of the speaker's favorite second cousin.
Opponents fear that nothing will remain free. "That's not true," said Reid. "We'll also tax nothing. If you have a lot of it, prepare to pay up."
Monday, January 28, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Said one shooter, "I'm not sure what part of 'I'm in the middle of dinner' he didn't understand."
Thursday, January 17, 2013
For Michelle's Birthday Dinner Tonight, Obama Turned Down By Restaurant With One Last Table Because "Justin Bieber Might Show Up"
—"I could have been a pop star, too," he said with quiet indignation.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
—"We almost gave it to 'Lincoln'," said the Hollywood Foreign Press. "But it had less singing and completely blew off the French thing."
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Researchers Say Many Shark Species May Attack But Most Dangerous Is Whichever One Swimming Toward You
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
—Smoochie, a blind Lab from upstate, has new independence after acquiring a Seeing-Eye cat, who carefully guides him towards squirrels to chase. The cat, however, is deaf, and therefore has his own Hearing-Ear rabbit. The rabbit helps the cat know if it is meowing at exactly the right level. The rabbit, sources say, can't walk, so he rides a Walking-Leg gerbil, who gets the rabbit to Hearing-Ear school on time. The gerbil is illiterate, and is served by a Reading-Mind bumblebee, who, in turn, would hire his own desperately needed Tasting-Tongue amoeba – but that's not a real thing. Don't be ridiculous.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
—After receiving an anonymous tip about an alleged "thumb tack breakthrough," the committee who looks into these things held a week-long emergency investigation, only to have to report a lack of any recent progress in the design of this particular office supply item. At a packed press conference, a choked-up metallurgist stated, "They still kind of just do the same thing, in the same way as they always have." Disillusioned news crews shouted really mean things and left in disgust.
—Sources advise that since it's now '13, we must all be careful of the new year's feisty adolescence. Hold on tighter to your wallet, your car keys, your electronics – you get the idea. Due to increases in mating hormones, the year will start grooming longer in the bathroom. Depending on certain variables, the year may even expect you to throw it a bar mitzvah. Prepare for a potential mix of rebellion, independence, laziness, sloppiness, and louder rock music. Proceed cautiously, but do enjoy.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
—"Yup," say experts. "It's laid out right here by Nostradamus:
'When ye shall have to rely
Solely on Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and MySpace
For that which is the pestilence called social media
Then shall ye know, the end is but eleven days away, is all I am sayeth-ing.'"
Friday, December 7, 2012
—"We should've tried a trial separation first, but didn't think of it," said the wife. "If our trial divorce doesn't work, we'll get married again, to re-try a trial marriage. If that bombs, we'll go ahead and try that trial separation. If that fails, we'll try a trial friendship. These trials are trying. Dating - now that was tried-and-true. That's when we both really tried, you know?" The husband says he'll try anything that makes the wife stop talking about trying.